Jerry Bob’s

Here is another story from when I was in crisis. I was either 22 or 23 and was working as an EMT for Southwest Ambulance. I loved my partner. We were best friends. We hung out outside of work a lot. When we worked together we would go to Target on duty and stuff like that. We would just cruise the town sometimes in our area and listen to music and chat. I wish I could remember if this was before my trauma at the hospital when I was 22 or after when I was 23. I was hospitalized both at age 22 and 23. One morning we went to Jerry Bob’s for breakfast that used to be at Golf Links and Pantano. It was in our area and we had our radios on in case we got a call. Previous to this day my partner had told me some trauma that happened to her. Think it partially could have been a trigger. Also as an EMT working 24 hour shifts, I was not getting enough sleep for my mental health. After we got our breakfast at Jerry Bob’s, I just remember freaking out. My mind went black for a bit and I was remembering being hurt as a child. I had a butter knife and was banging it on the table and crying hysterically. My partner was scared and called our supervisor. My Dad I think was also called, because he was on the same shift as us and in the same area as a Fire Captain. So my Dad and my supervisor came to the restaurant, and also I remember the fire engine coming too. One of my brother’s friends from the fire academy was there. I don’t remember what happened after that. I don’t remember if I went home or felt better and stayed on shift. I don’t think I went to the hospital at that moment. I think I went back to quarters and got my stuff and went home. I eventually went to the hospital. I know the girl who was supposed to have been my best friend must have told other people about the incident, because there were rumors going around that I was crazy and scary. I mean I had a mental crisis so guess I was “crazy” at least in that moment. I don’t like the word crazy though. It is a stigmatized word. Let me tell you a little bit more about the trauma when I was 2 and a half years old. We were living in a one story house and it was the last house on the left on Victoria Street a cul-de-sac. I am certain that a man came in the window of my bedroom when my Dad was at work and molested me. I feel like it may have happened more than once because he knew my Dad’s schedule and my Mom sleeps hard. I used to think maybe God stopped him from kidnapping me by causing him to be in a car accident and killed one day or something. But I think what saved me was that we moved into a custom built 2 story house right about when I was 2 and a half. My Dad built it for us. I know this story sounds crazy but I have had flashbacks since I was 22. I had my first breakdown at 16 years old. When I was in the mental hospital one time I had thoughts that I was kidnapped and stabbed to death and then God saved me and healed me and brought me back to bed. Obviously that didn’t happen, but I could have been kidnapped and killed easily. I have had thoughts and flashbacks of a man I do not know coming into my window and hurting me. My trauma brain has just been so confused over the years. I repressed it until I was 16 years old. Actually I repressed it until I was 22 years old. God and my Great Grandpa George were there with me when it happened. God helped it be repressed from my memory so I could enjoy a good and healthy childhood. My family will never believe me and maybe some of you won’t either, but that is what happened. It wasn’t my Mom’s fault like I used to think and it wasn’t my Dad or my Brother which I have thought before. I at one point thought it was my Grandpa John too when I was at St Francis Hospital in NY with a flashback. When I was transferred to the mental health unit I was crying in the fetal position. In Tucson, a girl was just taken from her window and that triggered me. After the incident at Jerry Bob’s my best friend switched ambulances and stopped being my partner and friend. I was devastated. She was crying and making herself out to be the victim. I get that would be scary but I was having a PTSD flashback and could not control it. Again, this is still just one of many more stories that I have. I am at Starbucks now. It is lovely here. I got a black unsweetened iced tea in a glass with light ice and they already gave me a free refill. It is a little cool in here but it is nice. I needed to get out of the house. I have AA in 2 hours. I am probably going to go home soon and drop off my backpack and laptop which I have a separate bag for, because I am going straight to Pantano Christian for church at 7pm. My friend is volunteering there with the dinner service they have. It is Salisbury steak with mushroom gravy, mashed potatoes, and green beans. Sounds good, but I can’t have the gravy or the potatoes on my diet. So I may make some ceviche at home before I go to AA or may just eat after church. Hope everyone is having a good day. I appreciate the continued support. I know this blog was a little intense.