Serenity!

I wrote a blog but deleted it. I don’t want to talk bad about my family anymore. I will just continue to pray for them. I pray that my sister and I can eventually have a relationship again, but deep in my heart I do not think that will happen. She was pretty firm about me having to take a mood stabilizer and an anti psycothic med in order to see her and my niece and nephews and there is just no way I am going to do that. I have come too far in my mental health journey now to start over with a mood stabilizer and an anti psychotic. When I was “manic” last year I was taking the Invega anti psychotic injection and also a mood stabilizer.. I believe Lamictal. I will agree with the fact that I was manic, but I was just triggered by some things and was trying to be there for my nieces and nephews. But a mood stabilizer and an anti psychotic can’t prevent me from going manic. When I was married in CT and NY I was taking Lithium and ended up in the hospital, because I had PTSD flashbacks. I was then taking Lamictal and ended up in the hospital, because I had PTSD flashbacks. The mind is a weird thing. I can remember like it was yesterday when I was unnecessarily forcefully thrown to the ground, drugged, and dragged to a room and was 4 point restrained face down when I was 22 at the behavioral health hospital. But I did not remember the rape until 8 or 9 years later when I was marrried. My mind repressed it for a long time. My family thinks this is a delusion and do not believe me. I don’t understand why they think I would constantly have the same delusion. I am not trying to dwell on the past and keep reliving my trauma. I am past it even though I talk about it. I am just not past the fact that my family doesn’t believe me. I went to the hospital at age 22 with flashbacks of being hurt as a small child. They definitely don’t believe me on that. When I went to the hospital at age 22 they diagnosed me bi-polar type 1 with schizoaffective disorder and SMI (Serious Mental Illness). Then they caused more PTSD! It is just so messed up. I never got the help for my trauma as a child and then just had more trauma. My bi-polar illness is more complicated than I was born with a chemical imbalance and need a mood stabilizer and anti psychotic. I bet you everyone who has bi-polar has some type of trauma in their life. All the people I have talked to who have bi-polar also have PTSD. Some people just don’t know how to process trauma without being manic at times. It just breaks my heart and is so frustrating that my family won’t try to understand my whole history of mental illness. They don’t know what I have been through and will never understand. I want a relationship with my sister and want to see my nieces and nephews so bad, but I am not sure that is going to happen. My family is never going to understand. I will keep praying to God that things change and my family can support me, but as much faith as I have in God, I don’t have faith in my family. They don’t have faith in God and don’t have faith in me. I am sorry for calling TPD and DCS but I don’t think that matters to them. I know my sister is a really good Mom, but saying that is not enough. My family wants me to be on toxic medications and I just can’t do it. This is my body and mind and I know what is best for me. It is extremely hard to not have family support. I have to move on with my life though. I can’t keep being sad and frustrated. The situation is what it is and it won’t change. I need to keep my serenity! They know I would never hurt my nieces and nephews. It is not fair that I can’t see them. I know my 6 year old niece is asking about me. She asked about me a lot when I was in the hospital last October after trying to take my own life. When I got out she asked me how were you sick? How do you explain that to a 6 year old? I just said I was sick and now I am better. I need to start taking down the pictures of my sister in my house. I already took one down in my bedroom. I am crying as I write this, but I have to move on. My cousin is still not talking to me too. I guess I don’t need her in my life. She doesn’t love me like she loves my sister anyway. She barely ever made time for me. She is sooooo busy yet she makes time for her best friend and her MW. It will be hard though to not have my cousin in my life too though, but I am just so mad at her for leaving me hanging this long. She has been watching my Tik Tok videos. I need to focus on the positive supportive people in my life. I am having a few friends over tomorrow night for game night and that will be so fun. I think I am going to start doing game night every other Saturday night. I love hosting parties and having people over. I don’t need a ton of friends. I just need a few amazing quality friends which I have. I have my best friend Julie, my sober sister Rina, my good friend Sara who I have known for about 13 years, her boyfriend Norm who is super nice, Jake, Melissa, my next door neighbor Sherri, Jennifer, and Kristine. I also have my Aunt Val who has been super supportive. My cousin Nicole is still in my life but she is so busy with work and has 2 little girls. I am hoping to see them soon though. My mental health is amazing right now. I feel so good with just the anti depressant. I was great with just an anti depressant for 3 and a half years when I worked at the law firm. I was triggered by some things and went manic and had to be court ordered to take Lithium, but a mood stabilizer and anti psychotic would not have prevented that from happening. I am on my second cup of coffee and am just praying to God that I have a great day! I am so grateful for everything and everyone I have in my life. I will meet my soulmate eventually.. hopefully in less than a year and that will be amazing. God already has him picked out for me and he will be amazing. Hopefully he has a cool family and then I will have a new family. I will always love my nieces and nephews forever! I just need to focus on myself now. I need to really focus on my physical health and lose weight! I will feel so much better once I lose weight. It is frustrating though. I went to the gym and swam laps Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday and plan on going today. I need to go 4-6 times a week and also focus on eating healthier! I got this! I have done it before and I will do it again! Right now I need to finish cleaning for my party tomorrrow night! I hope everyone has a very blessed day! Thank you for your love and support!