You can choose your family!

Hey everyone! I did start my own YouTube channel Stefanie’s Safe Space! Yay! I have posted a few videos so far. I am so excited! I am keeping it positive and am trying not to talk about some of the negative things I have talked about on Tik Tok and written about here on my blog. I want to start by saying I don’t think my brother sexually assaulted me when I was a kid. I still don’t know for sure and should probably do EMDR therapy, but I just want to get past it and move on. I don’t think he did though, because when I have been around him I don’t feel uncomfortable around him. I may consider EMDR if I get back with my old therapist if I can get off court ordered treatment soon. I still have trauma from when I was. Child and at age 22 years old. I will never know who hurt me when I was a small child and I know who hurt me when I was 22. So I think I will probably just not to EMDR therapy. I have an appt with my psych NP in about 15 minutes and am going to be honest with him that I have not been taking the anti psychotic meds. For me personally, I just think they are so toxic and not needed. Despite what my family thinks, I have been pretty stable. I screamed and cried in the shower the other day cussing at my sister but that can be healthy to do once in awhile. I cry sometimes, because I am very sad that I can’t see any of my nieces and nephews. I will be able to see my cousin’s little girls next week though which will be amazing. My family has been thinking I am manic and delusional, because I have been telling my truth. I do not agree with my sister drinking and driving with her kids and everyone thinks I was manic for doing another police and DCS report against her and my ex brother in law. Yesterday I did a Tik Tok video just saying that I need to move on from my family. It breaks my heart that I can’t see my nieces and nephews, but my sister is always going to think I need a mood stabilizer and an anti psychotic and I refuse to put that poison in my body and brain. My mother and father feel the same way. My mother bet me a million dollars I will go back in the hospital if I don’t take the medications. My father thinks I am bullshitting my therapist about my past trauma. I guess it is easier for him to think I am delusional rather than his daughter went through that trauma. It is definitely hard on the family either way, but I can’t keep holding their hands and doing what they think is right for me. I can’t keep forgiving them for the way they act towards me in crisis. I need to plug in my lap top and do my NP appt. I will be back! Okay I am back. I waited 2 hours to talk to my psych NP which is ridiculous. He said he can’t recommend that I stop taking my anti psychotic based on my history. I tried to explain to him that my history is from the previous doctor who was awful and the doctors at the hospitals who are also awful. I have been dealing with my mental illness since I was 16 years old and know what is best for me. He tried to compare me to 100 other people and said he can’t do a personalized evaluation. I said I am not 100 other people. I am my own person. We basically just agreed to disagree. He asked me why I was on court ordered treatment which he didn’t even know. I told him it was because I thought my brother raped me because my past trauma is confusing and he testified against me in court and the awful doctor forced me to take lithium. Anyway, about my family…I wasn’t going to bring up my sister’s drinking and driving again, but it just makes me sad that my 6 year old niece will and is going through what my nephews went through and are still possibly going through..being afraid to get in the car with their Mom when she has been drinking but scared to say something cause they don’t want her to be mad at her. At church Sunday the pastor said..be the voice of someone who does not have a voice..like a child. I had been going back and forth about going to see the family lawyer who I have an appointment with on July 1st. I was just gong to cancel it and let go and let God! Afetr that pastor said that I was sure that God wanted and needed me to go to a lawyer and fight for my nieces and nephews. I just needed it to go to court so a judge could force my sister to go to rehab or prison. I wish she would just go to rehab and get sober for her and her kids but that won’t happen. At least not anytime soon. I have decided to cancel the appointment with the lawyer and just back off and pray. My family can’t trigger me if they are not in my life. My sister wasn’t going to have me in her life anyway before all this happened with the cops and DCS. She doesn’t want me in her or her kids’ lives because I am not taking the mediations she wants me to take. So I will choose my own family. I have a couple best friends who I consider my sisters. I have my Aunt Val who understands me and my spiritual side and that I don’t want to have these toxic medications in my body and mind. I was alone with no family a couple of years ago on Thanksgiving. I had written some blogs about the way I felt about my Mother and she paid for the family to go to Disneyland for Thanksgiving and I was left out. I was on good terms with my sister cause she sent me a couple pictures from their trip. I went to my next door neighbor’s house and they were very welcoming and kind to include me. My Dad and Step Mom always go to Hawaii for Thanksgiving so even if I have a good relationship with my Dad by then, I won’t see him. I am not talking to my Dad now, because he has been really mean to me on text messages. I don’t know what will happen with our relationship. I don’t want a relationship with my brother, because I am pretty sure he called a High School I was supposed to do NAMI Ending The Silence presentations at and told the principal I was delusional and manic and a danger to kids. My brother text me and said all the citizens and children need to be protected from me. F him! He also put an order of protection against me when I was already in the hospital last April. My sister did too. I received the paperwork in the hospital and ripped it up right away cause I was so pissed. I told them to throw it away but since it was a legal document they had to put it with my stuff. My adopted sisters have never been very supportive to me so I am choosing not to have them in my lives. My 27 year old sister said I can’t see her kids now anyway because I am “not in my right mind” or whatever she said. I deleted the text and did not respond to her. She thinks my sister and my Mom are amazing and thinks I am delusional for saying otherwise. I will miss my 8 year old nephew and 6 year old niece a lot and it’s not fair to them, but I am not their Mom. I love them so much though and I had so much fun taking them out to gelato a few weeks ago. I won’t miss my 22 year old sister and her kids. Her 2 year old daughter is adorable but she is too young to even remember me. My sister just had a baby boy and I have not met him and probably never will. They had a domestic violence situation and I have zero respect for her baby daddy and also her too. After I tried to take my own life last October, neither of my adopted sisters sent their love or thoughts or anything and after I got out of the hospital and was going to my Mom’s for dinner they didn’t say anything to me about it.. for example ..glad you’re alive. I hope my cousin Ashleigh talks to me soon, but if not that is on her. I already tried to apologize multiple times. She watched my last couple Tik Tok videos but is not talking to me. My sister is her MW (My World) and they have always had a stronger connection than me and either of them. I just need to move on and do what is best for me. I do not need toxic people in my life. If my family doesn’t want to be supportive to me than they can F off! I have my NAMI peer to peer class today and have made a few new friends there. I will continue to meet positive supportive people in my life. I plan on going all out for Christmas this year with my rose gold and silver decorations and will have at least a couple parties with friends and my Aunt and cousin Nicole. I will of course send my nephews and nieces cards and gifts and it would be amazing if I could see and hug them but I am not holding my breath. My oldest nephew will be 18 though and I think he will still have a relationship with me. He is mad at me for talking bad about his Mom of course but he said he loves me so much and always will. Maybe he will be allowed to bring his 15 year old brother by my house to get their presents and give me hugs. We will see. If not, I will just have to deal with it. I think it is so unfair that my sister is not letting me see my 6 year old niece. I love her so much and she loves me so much. When I tried to take my own life last October she asked about me a lot and wrote me a note and gave me 2 of her stuffies. She wanted one of them back after I got out of the hospital but she let me keep the giraffe which is on my couch in my bedroom. My nephews also wrote me very sweet notes. I am still so sorry that I did that to them and my family, but I was in a bad place. A big part of the reason why is because my sister wasn’t talking to me and was keeping her kids from me like she is now. I would never try to take my own life again though. I have a lot to live for. I regretted it right away when I woke up. I just need to focus on the positive in my life and be humble and one day at a time I will eventually have a facility for Stefanie’s Safe Space.