Distraction

Family support is so important. I grew up so close to my whole family, but none of them ever loved or supported me the way I needed them to and still do not. I liked a guy at AA who is so amazing and reminds me of my cousin Adam. He is very well spoken and genuine. We only talked a few times, but we have the same dream and both have had some pretty terrible trauma. I will not delete my Pretty Woman or Hope Floats blogs because I think they amazing, and the feelings I had were so real and unexplainably good. But I need to take a step or a bunch of steps back, because him and I both have a lot of work to do for ourselves. We both have family shit as most people do and we are obviously not together ..not yet anyway at all. I felt like we could be really good friends and be sober support for each other, but at the meeting tonight…I don’t think he was speaking only specifically to me, but I heard the message loud and clear. I expressed my feelings to him too soon, because I know they are real and my angels and God tell me that it is real. But not yet! I have had so much family stuff happen recently that has been building inside of me and I am finally able to breathe and explode it all out. People at AA are like family and I genuinely love everyone. I loved my AA sponsor and still do. She is amazing! But she gave up on me as a sponsor, because I have too much going on and she thinks I need to just work with my therapist (who I love and am seeing weekly) and my new court ordered psychiatrist who I will meet next Tuesday. I agreed with her that I am not ready to finish the 4th step because of my toxic family issues. That is why I went back out and drank a few times after a few months…I was scared of the 4th and 9th step. Because I really don’t think I ever want to talk to my Mother or Father again. They both are so sick in the head and don’t think they did anything wrong. I really need to focus on my AA program and will for sure continue to go to the 630am at Alano. I chair the Sunday mornings and then will go to church at 9am tomorrow. Next Sunday I will be rededicating my self to Jesus with a baptism at 1030am where I know I will be crying like a baby, because I have screamed to God asking him to please save me! I have finally been saved, and I still have a lot of work to do on myself with God and my angels by my side. My emotions have been so all over the place. I don’t know how to feel. But it is not fair for me to talk to this guy anymore about myself, and I need to let him have his 530 pm meeting with his sponsor and friends and I will start going to more meetings at The Eastside Place. There is a woman’s group in the afternoon sometimes. I also love the 7pm meeting on Fridays. Share the message not the Mess…We Plead the 5th with Manny! I realized tonight in the meeting that I do need to continue on with the steps and start from the beginning with step #1. I am strong enough to do the steps! I am still standing after all the storms I have been through. I talked to a cool guy after the meeting about a woman he sponsored who now has several years sober and sponsors others. One of her sponsees called her for me and I talked to her a bit asking her to please be my sponsor. I am waiting for her call now and am excited to work with her, because even though I have almost 19 months sober, I have a lot of work to do for my mental health before I can be in any kind of relationship. I keep thinking I am ready off and on the last 11 or 12 years since my divorce, but I have not been fully ready to give myself to another person and share my life with someone. When I am ready and when he is ready, I still think it will be so amazing. But for now we are just a distraction to each other and we need to stay on course with our sobriety and road to complete mental wellness!!