PTSD

I wish I felt like writing. I am not really in the mood, but I am going to write anyway. I still have so many stories from when I was “manic” or in mental crisis. I really don’t like using the work manic and I really don’t like the diagnosis bi-polar. I used to not know what the heck bi-polar meant, I then for a period of time embraced my diagnosis. When I was dating I was always so scared to tell a guy I was bi-polar as it is so stigmatized and I didn’t want to get rejected just because I had a mental illness. In my 20’s, despite having to go to the hospital 3 times, I was very functional and had my own house when I was 22 and was an EMT. I would always ask the advise of friends and family, should I tell the guy on the second date or third date or forth date? I wanted to be honest, because I didn’t want it to come up later after I had feelings for someone and he rejected me then. But anyway, I am excited to have a conversation with my court ordered NP next Wednesday. I wish it was sooner so I can stop talking depakote before I am bald. I think the collagen is starting to help though. Not as much hair came out in the shower today as previous days. Luckily I have thick hair. I asked my case worker to try to get me a sooner appt with him, but not sure she will be able to. I want to talk to him about how I was great on just an anti depressant for 3 and a half years while working at a law firm. That NP was not court ordered and believed that I had PTSD and not Bi-Polar. I have recently talked to two friends in AA who say after doing the AA program, they no longer need meds. I will get on Lamictal if I need to until I get off court ordered treatment hopefully in 3 months. But no medication can prevent me from going into crisis. If there are enough stressors and triggers, I can go into crisis. I just have to do self care and not let things trigger me. There was a situation a couple of weeks that could have triggered me, but I chose not to let it bother me too much. I discussed the issue with a few people including with my therapist today. I just prayed for the situation. My therapist today said the brain stem which is called the reptilian brain is the part of the brain you delvelop survival instincts before even being born. When I get triggered or something bad happens or someone dies, I get stressed and scared. I get in fight-or flight mode. Something happened to me when I was a child. I had my first fight or flight reaction when I was 16 years old. My Mom will always say nothing ever happened to me but I know it did. I can do EMDR with my therapist. I thought I was ready to do that soon, but now I am not so sure. She said today, it depends if you want to know what happened to you. Sometimes it is better not to know. So I have to do some more thinking. I really think with AA neetings, AA friends, non AA friends and family, an AA sponsor, self care, not having to have a job right now…I can stay healthy and stay out of the hospitals. I really feel like I am in a good place in life. I will still probably take the anti depressant and sleep meds and I get an injection. But I will discuss all that with my NP. Hoping to just go off the toxic mood stabilizers though. Again, this is just my personal experience. I am not saying this will work for everyone. I am going to go to the 530pm AA meeting soon. I started my day with swimming laps for an hour followed by relaxing in the jacuzzi for a few. I really hope I can get physically fit as soon as possible! Hope everyone has a good night! Sorry if I repeated some stuff from my previous blog depakot. I am just so frustrated.