A full and thankful heart

The last few days I have been super sad that my sister doesn’t want me in her or her kids lives. I am trying not to get too depressed about and pray that she will realize I am doing so good without taking a mood stabilizer. I have to do what is best for my mental health and she has to do what is best for her mental health. It breaks my heart that part of her being mentally healthy means not having a relationship with me. I miss her so much and my niece and nephews. I am sure my sister and niece and nephews will miss me too. I am just praying this doesn’t last too long. I keep thinking about not being able to go to my oldest nephew’s High School graduation next May. That would make me so so sad if I couldn’t go. I have been living for my nephews! I love them so so much! Whenever I got depressed and suicidal I thought I can’t do that to my nephews. They kept me alive!! I’ve been protecting them from my trauma and all that I have been through. I finally started writing about it a year and a half, because even though it would be hard for them to hear it, they are old enough to understand. I don’t think they read my blogs though and probably don’t watch my tik tok videos. My sister wants them to have no contact with me. I text them the other day and said I love you so so much with a heart and an owl. The texts said they were delivered, but I will stop texting. I am going to send them letters and cards with money and I have an art project I want to give my 6 year old niece so may just unblock my sister’s number and text her that I am dropping something off on the porch quick. She may have blocked me back though. I will figure it out. I still technically have a restraining order against me until I think May so I have to be careful. I doubt she would throw me in jail again. That would be so awful. Did I mention I started a Tik Tok account?! I posted about 9 videos so far and I am impressed with them! Check them out and follow me! My Tik Tok is @stefaniessafespace. I have been waking up in a good mood despite what is going on with my sister. I am truly excited about my life. When I was manic and having flashbacks of being hurt, I would have all these premonitions. They didn’t exactly come true how I thought they would, but my dreams are coming true. After I was forcefully restrained, heavily medicated, and raped in the hospital when I was 22 I was transferred to Kino Hospital which does not exist anymore. The nurse from Palo Verde said I was aggressive and tried to hit her. That is 100% not true. I told her to get out of my space and get arms length away from me. Then she had the security guards take me down, drugged me and restrained me face down. I was unconscious most of the day before I was transferred. When I got to Kino, I was in a room with glass windows and I took off all my clothes. I didn’t remember being raped at that time, but my self conscious did. I told the techs..what are you going to do? What are you going to do now that I can stand up and defend myself. My family must have been able to bring me a blanket at that time, because I wrapped myself in a purple blanket and yelled multiple times, I am going to be Queen of the World. At one point in my 20’s I thought I won the Powerball and was so excited!! I always thought if I won the PowerBall I would definitely start my own foundation. But now I get to start my foundation on my own from the ground up which is even better! I also have thought I was the chosen one to make this World better! I have a scar that is an upside down cross on my stomach, but when I look down it is a cross! I have felt Princess Diana with me. I think the first time was when I was 26 but it may have been sooner than that. She died when I was 16 years old. I was working at Denny’s as a hostess when I found out. When I was 16 I had my first mental health crisis. I don’t think I have written about that so I will soon. I can totally see myself being so successful and being like Princess Diana. I want to get involved with the community and help kids and adults. When I am married hopefully within a couple of years, we may adopt older kids who need a good home. Maybe children who are about 10-12 years old. We will see what God’s plan is going to be. I want to be able to wear elegant dresses to my fundraising parties. I think my first big fundraising party will be at the Hilton on Broadway and Pantano. My Gramps was the lead civil engineer on that hotel. It is also where I tried to take my own life last October. And then I have a friend who manages The Kent hotel downtown and he already said I can have fundraising parties there. Once I get a bigger nicer house I will have big parties at my house! I think I have said this before but my foundation will be bigger than NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness). My foundation is already worldwide, because anyone can see my blogs and anyone from any country can see my Tik Tok videos. I am just trying to stay humble and take it one day at a time. Last night’s AA daily reflection was really good. It was called A FULL AND THANKFUL HEART. I am so grateful for so much! I am grateful to be sober and for AA and all the meetings and friends I have and for the new people I am still meeting! I love my life! I am grateful for my Aunt Val, cousin Ashleigh, cousin Nicole, my best friend Julie, another really good friend Kristine who is in Japan for a month, my good friend Kristine who goes to trivia with me almost every Wednesday! We went last night and it was so fun! I am grateful for my new AA sponsor. I am grateful for my other good friends Melissa, Jennifer, Val, Lacey, Monica, JJ, another Jennnifer, Nikki, Ray, Sherri. I am grateful that I don’t have to work a day job now and can just start presenting for a non profit foundation starting in May or June. I need to to make some notecards for my presentation as there is a lot to remember and I will probably be nervous the first few times I present. I am hoping to be able to see a lawyer in about 6 months or so to make my LLC a non profit foundation. I think once I see a lawyer it could take 6 months to a year for it to be an official non profit. Hoping it doesn’t take that long though. I won’t start getting donations until then. I want to go on the news also and share my dream! I am hoping eventually celebrities will donate especially those who have mental illness or who are sober. Bradley Cooper has been my celebrity crush and he is in recovery so can’t wait to meet him. I need a lot of money before I can lease a building, but it will happen. I am not really putting a time frame on it. It will happen when it’s supposed to happen. I am hoping I meet my future husband before that and he can help me with everything! I know I also have lots of friends who will help. My Dad is very handy and used to build houses so he will probably help or find someone else to help, because he’s getting a little older and he knows lots of people. He is still in great shape though at 73 years old. Depending on what building I lease, I may need to put walls up and add plumbing for the kitchen and bathrooms! I am definetley going to paint it or have it painted. I have had 3 houses in my life and loved painting them all. My foundation will have lots of bright fun colors like pink and teal which are my favorite. I have accent walls in my house that are pink and teal and it looks so cute. For now I am just trying to stay humble and take it one day at a time and continue to blog and Tik Tok. Thank you so much for all your support!!