Anxiety is a Bitch!!

I fell asleep tonight maybe about 8pm after I got home from shopping for a new bedroom set after my AA Meeting. I picked out what I wanted before I went to my meeting and went back to finish the final purchase. I am so excited for a bed frame who storage and a whole set that is so beatiful. I will move the other set I have into my guest bedroom soon. I may not get my furniture for about 4-6 weeks which is nice cause I won’t pay for it till then. Well I paid about $1500 today. My family can be like..where the Fuck is she getting all this money from. My Dad said that about my plants and flowers from Home Depot when I specifically wrote that I had a Home Depot credit card. Think he is only reading my blogs to see if I am telling the World he raped me. Which I already did. I didn’t say any details yet. I don’t know for certain how long it went on for but I think it was till I was about 11 or 12 and started my period?! I don’t know how many times he did it, but one time is obviously too many times!! I am going to move my old furniture set into my guest bedroom for maybe a new roommate. I have a potential friend from AA who may be looking for a new place to stay. And then I will give my roommate some hand me down furniture. I was given 2 recliners that my Step Mother gave me when her father recently passed away. BTW.. He is hoping his daughter will get out of that marriage soon. I recommend she sells the condo in Chicago which she has been wanting to do. My Dad can make it on his own! He may want to move to a different state at some point. He probably has girlfriends all over the country! Not sure if any woman will want to be with him now! I know his first wife and third wife defienelty dodged a bullet!! Just saw wife # 3’s sister and bro in law at the bar at Yardhouse a few weeks ago and they are so sweet! And I loved his ex wife! She is the one who lent me $5,000 to get my brand new house at age 22. I paid her back with interest before my house was built 6 months later! Those 6 months living with my Mom were pretty brutal. I had an apartment when I was 20-21 but think I just stayed at my Mom’s to pay off my loan quick. Wife # 3 is such a successful business woman! She is an architect and was featured in magazines (so was I but that was for a greedy doctor after my weightloss surgery when I was 25). I can’t wait to have my own custom house built in Tucson!! Then definitely want a house in Hawaii!! I think it would be maybe nice to raise kids in Hawaii. I will definitely have one biological child before I am 45 and then will probably adopt a couple more. I am going to have to sadly move on from my family. I will miss my 5 year old neice so so much!! I am sure at some point I will be friends with my 2 cousins, brother, and of course my oldest nephews will always be in my life. And my little 22 year old sister and her adorable 7 month old baby or 8 months now! Damn maybe almost 9 months already. I left her a message the other day cause 2 girls recently reminded me of her.. at Target and Safeway. I am sure I can probably see them soon. I want to leave her this house after I buy it back from my Dad and Step Mom, and get a bigger and nicer house all on my own! I also am going to miss my 6 year old nephew and 3 year old neice so much. But hopefully in a few months or a couple years .. I wish a few weeks but my sister is pretty pissed at me of course for airing all her shit out! But those kids love me so much and I love them! I wish their parents would let me see him. Maybe their Dad be an get full custody cause he knows how shitty their Mother is to them and around them or actually most of the time not even around them. My awful Mom is raising them. I will help their Dad get full custody for sure and then he will let me see them! I need to get their Dad’s phone number. I know what apartment complex he is in so I will talk to him soon for sure! My other sister “the amazing RN who is better than everyone”…said she would testify against the other sister. Those kids are so adorable. They are loved but I could love them better. But they are not my kids to raise or take. I just hope my Mother and their Mother don’t fuck them up too bad!! My Mother raised 2 daughters without my Dad.. thank goodness now looking back at how my Dad was. But without a father figure, they both have co dependent issues and have been with really shitty men. The 25 year old is horrible but the 22 year old is so sweet and smart and got her vet tech and still works weekends at a donut place and her boyfriend “baby Daddy” is a cute kid and works at Amazon and adores my sister and their baby! I hope to help them pay for a wedding one day!! Anyway, I woke up with major anxiety.. I couldn’t find my Ativan..still can’t. The doc only gave me 5 2mg Ativan..what a bitch! I had some 1 mg somewhere but not sure where they are now. I found an old indica joint I had and took a few hits. I do not want to replace once substance with another but this does not effect my sobriety! I have so much anxiety which is to be expected with my life right now and Indica weed is more natural and healthier than Ativan. So I will prob go to the dispencey soon to get some old school Indica weed! Edibles can be too much and now they have concentrate stuff that I did with a friend a few weeks ago and even though it was indica, it was so strong! I told my bro I had to drug myself to go to sleep though so took that and Ativan and Benadryl that night and felt high as fuck until I crashed good and hard about 30 minutes later after being restless in bed. Dr. RBF tried to give me Seroquel for 8 nights. Well she did. I took it for 7 nights cause that is the only way to get out without a court order which I have now from my 15 night stay cause I was trying to advocate for myself to stay on Wellbutrin and Ativan as needed. She court ordered me Abilify and Lamictal which I had when I was married. She had the nurse shoot so much white junk (I know that sounds bad) but it’s true! Some in my left arm and some in my right arm and it lasts one month. Can’t wait to see my new psychiatrist on Tuesday to get off this shit after a month. I think it may be effecting my anxiety in a negative way cause its an anti psychotic .. they both are. Who now’s though. Most of these meds are so toxic! Dr. RBF had the nerve to threaten me with Lithium if I go back in the hospital. I was like are you fucking kidding me?! Dr. Lithium ( a cute little asshole doc from India) already did that when my bro in law’s abuse triggered me and I lost my good job at TMC cause the dumb bitch kept me like 2 and a half weeks! Oh well, wasn’t meant to be cause I was blessed with mental disability after 3 months and was able to only have to work part time. I want to keep the mental disability till I am successful enough to take a salary from my non profit foundation or maybe I will. Eventually get a book deal like Carrie Bradshaw did! We shall see. Right now, I have a safe space where none of my family are welcome!! Not even my Step Mom who prob owns it more than me Dad. If she eventually wants to have a mature conversation about how I can buy back this house that would be cool. But until then, think she may still be with my Father believing all his lies about his crazy delusional daughter!!