Ariel

I just got off the phone with 988. I spoke to Ariel and she was amazing!! I am having flashbacks of being raped as a child and an adult and am doing everything I can to stay out of the hospital. Last night I went driving at 1:30am. I knew my angels and God were with me but still get a little scared walking to my car in the middle of the night as I live on a main street and random people walk by all the time. I had a really great day yesterday. It was the best day! I started the day with a phone call with my sister at about 7am. I then watched some of my YouTube videos while I waited to go to my appt at 11am for my anti psychotic injection. It helps my mind to stay clear and focus. I then was so excited to get my nails done. I text my friend in response to “what color are you getting?”.. I said.. Light Teal or maybe dark teal. It is my favorite color besides pink and it is the suicide awareness color. I’m wearing my Stefanie’s Safe Space owl shirt! It is so bad ass! Love it! And teal earrings! And then she told me it’s suicide awareness month which is perfect! I absolutely love how my nails turned out. I then went to the store for a couple things for a friends’ 40th birthday at AA. I then met my new primary care NP Emma who is amazing! I watched some more of my YouTube videos and then I went to an amazing AA meeting… my 5:30pm Happy JOYous and Free meeting! Then my day ended so good with a super fun shopping trip to Hobby Lobby with my good friend Julie who is the biggest sweatheart and an amazing person! Then we enjoyed a really nice dinner across the street at BJ’s. I was going to end my night with a blog, but I ended up typing a long blog about some hard stuff and deleted it before the morning, because I am not ready to share yet.I ended up needing to cry and was wide awake till about 2am. I didn’t want to take my sleep meds yet, because my brain needed to process some stuff. I ended up driving at about 1:15am. I was texting with my Aunt Val a bit, because she couldn’t sleep either. I really just needed to drive so I headed south on Kolb to the freeway and then to Ina and back through town to my home. I was driving responsibly and just jammed out to music. I joked to myself that if I was wearing a bra I would maybe have driven to San Diego for a day or two. I love driving and I love the beach. San Diego/Mission Beach is only a 6 hour drive from Tucson. But I ended up home and took my sleep meds. I still only was able to sleep for 3 hours and ended up going to the 6:30am meeting. I went to my nephews’ baseball game this morning at 10am and had a nice time hanging with my two little neices, my Mom, and one of my sisters. Tonight I had 3 girlfriends come over for game night and we just ended up chatting. It was really nice, but after 3 hours I was happy to have my house to myself again. Apparently I just really needed to cry it out. I am having flashbacks of being raped when I was a child and an adult. I know my Mom will probably read this at some point and does not believe me that I was raped as a child. I was only about 2 and a half in a one story house. I don’t know who it was or how or when. I just know my Dad was at work at the fire station and my siblings were sleeping. I easily could have been killed but I am alive. I am a survivor. But it was so good talking to Ariel at 988 tonight. I don’t want my family to talk to me about my trauma, because they usually just yell and me and tell me it didn’t happen. Well, my Mom is the only one who yelled at me about it. Actually my sister pretty firmly told me, that did not happen Stefanie. Fuck my family for not supporting me the way I need to be supported. I love them so much though. My blog that I deleted was about my Mom and me saying bye to her. For my own mental health I really think I need to cut her from my life and I think I will go ahead and post my last blog that I deleted. It is in my trash column still. And if anyone wants to come at me and say it’s not appropriate, they can go fuck themselves! Nobody has lived my life. I just can’t wait to see my therapist next Saturday. I am 100% not going to the hospital, but in order to stay out of the hospital I need to do what I need to do! Self care and not surrounding myself with toxic people. My story doesn’t end.. I am going to keep going! The semi-colon on my nails represents a continuation of life and hope through a period of struggle, representing a mental pause rather than an end! I need to get to sleep by midnight tonight preferably sooner. I am going to take my sleep meds when I am ready and I hope God and my angels will allow my mind and body to sleep as much as I need! I pray all day every day now! And my prayers and dreams are finally coming true! Good night! Love you all!