I am beautiful

I have been feeling very self conscious lately about my looks. I feel like I am ugly when I look in the mirror or take selfies. I used to think I was beautiful when I was thinner and had longer hair. I recently cut my hair to my shoulders and it was a fun change, but I miss my long hair. Lately my hair has been falling out and I am freaking out. I figured it was just stress, but one of the doctors at the hospital told me that my mood stabilizer can cause hair loss! Great! That’s just what I need. I went and got some collagen after AA today so hopefully that will help. A friend at the 6:30am AA meeting a couple weeks ago told me to love myself and see myself how God loves and sees me. So I have been trying to remember that. Just because I am overweight and it shows in my face as well, I am not ugly. I am still beautiful. I am really hoping the Diet of Hope program works again though. I want to get healthy and have more confidence. I have an appointment next Thursday. On the way to AA today as I was thinking about what I wanted to write about on my blog tonight, I was behind a car at a stoplight with 33 on the license plate (angel number) and next to that was a sticker that said Jesus Loves You. I wasn’t even going to go to AA tonight. I was being lazy laying in bed most of the day and did not feel like showering and getting ready. Last minute I did decide to shower and get ready and go. I am glad I went. It was a really good meeting and just seeing my sign from God on that car was pretty cool. Let me know I was on the right path.

I am trying to keep my spirits up and try to not stress out about things I can’t control. Today I was stressing about applying for bankruptcy soon. I think it will be good though. I just need to meet with a lawyer for a free consultation. I just have so much credit card debt and medical bills. I also received a notice in the mail recently about the $50,000 car I bought it crisis. They auctioned it off and I still am responsible for about $23,000 which is crazy. So I am just hoping bankruptcy works out for me. The famous writer Mel Robbin’s had to file for bankruptcy and now she is super successful so I am not going to let it discourage me from accomplishing my dreams and goals. I just need a fresh start and then hopefully my credit will build back up. I just hope it isn’t too expensive to file for bankruptcy. We shall see.

Lately I have not felt motivated to do anything like clean or diamond art and I hope I am not falling into a depression funk. I don’t feel depressed though. Just feel kind of blah still. But I feel good and happy now. Writing makes me happy. It feels good to write about my life. I slept really good last night! I even fell asleep for a bit without my sleep meds. I took them when I woke up at about 1am though just to make sure I slept good. Sleep is so important for mental health. The rest of the week I don’t have much going on. I will go to AA and then trivia tomorrow night. I have to talk to my caseworker tomorrow but that’s just for a few minutes. Then have to get blood work done to check my mood stabilizer level on Thursday. Next week I have 3 medical appointments including Diet of Hope. I need to get out and go to the park or something when the weather is nice. I also need to go to NAMI soon to look into In Our Own Voice and Ending the Silence public speaking soon. I really hope I have a good job within a few months, but I decided to stop even looking for at least a couple of months. It was too stressful. But if I am going to be a bad ass boss bitch of my own foundation, I need to be able to handle stress. I can handle stress, just not recently I guess. I used to run busy medical offices no problem. I will get there again!! I will be able to handle stress! It maybe won’t be too stressful though cause like I said before, I think I will meet people who can help and also I will be doing what I love so there is that! Hope everyone has a good night! I am just jamming to Jelly Joll again! Love him. They song on now is .. Need a Favor. It’ s good one! I need to pray to God all the time and talk to Him, not just when I need a favor.