Hypomanic

I was supposed to go on an amazing Disneyland trip with my sister last Tuesday but ended up going into hypo mania. I had been crying a lot remembering that I tried to take my own life and being blessed to feel my angels and having purpose. I am getting back into writing, because I really do want to start my own foundation one day. I was really stressed out about job hunting and job interviewing. I had 5 interviews one week. I was studying interview questions like crazy especially for the law firm job which I knew would be tough. It was a long hiring process with a zoom interview, in person interview, tests, asssesments, and another interview. I was stressing way too much and then stresssed way too much waiting to see if I got the jobs. When I finally received the email that I did not get the job and never heard back from the other jobs, I was relieved. Maybe those yellow butterfly’s were just reminding me what will be will be. I don’t need to stress about a job right now. It would be nice to have extra money to go to concerts or little trips or something but I just need to focus on my mental heath. I usually get so excited about packing for trips and driving. I used to go on solo trips all the time. But this time I was stressing about packing, driving, and just wanted everything to be perfect. I had the money to go still even though I have also been stressed out about probably filing for bankruptsy sometime soon. I have a lot of credit card debt. I hadn’t been sleeping well for days leading up to the trip. I was packed 2 days prior to Tuesday, but the night before the trip I was just so stressed about not being able to sleep. I had been stressed about that for probably weeks. What sleeping pill will work as some of them stopped working. I needed to make sure I would sleep good at Disneyland cause we were going to have 14 hour long fun filled days. I took something to sleep the night before but I was awake all night. I was feeling really weird. I did not want to cancel the trip last minute, but I was up pacing my house stressing the F out. I finally called my Mom in the middle of the night and she was very supportive. I then called my sister and she was very supportive as well. I think she is the one to suggest I go to the hospital. I knew I should but did not want to. I started stressing about that. Would the doctor put me on a higher dose or a medication I do not like. My Mom at first supported me not going to the hospital, but we all three ended up agreeing that I go. The signs of going full on manic were there. Without sleeping and all the stress and anxiety, I was hypomanic. I did not want to lose control and go full manic. I asked my sister if she could come pick me up and take me and she said of course she can. She brought me an iced chai latte and a bacon egg Gouda sandwich from Starbucks and gave me the biggest hug. She said she was really proud of me for recognizing that I needed to go to the hospital. I felt more at ease when I was with my sister and she stayed with me at the hospital until they admitted me. She gave me the biggest hug again and we were both teary eyed. She said we will do our sister trip another time! After she left, I had the worst anxiety from about 11am-6pm. I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest. I was mostly concerned about the medications the doctor was going to prescribe. The doctor came and saw me for a bit when I was in the holding area. He is the same doctor who I have seen the last 2 times. He generally cares. I did not get an Ativan until 4pm though and it did not work until about 6pm. The doctor should have checked my medication level the next day but he did not check it until Friday. My mood stabilizer level was very low and not in therapeutic range. He increased that and put me on liquid form since I had gastric bypass in 2005 and my body doesn’t absorb medications as well. He changed my anti depressant since I told him I was despressed and suicidal a couple weeks earlier. That is a capsule that I have to open and sprinkle the meds onto applesauce or yogurt so it will absorb better. I was also given something better to sleep. I stayed there 7 nights and was so happy to finally come home yesterday. My Mom picked me up and we stopped at the pharmacy on the way home. Then I went to her house for dinner after hanging at home for a bit. I really do not like going to the hospital but sometimes it is necessary. They can treat you faster inpatient rather than outpatient. I really hope I can stay focused on my mental health though and avoid going back. I am so bummed to have missed my sister trip. That was the worst timing ever! But we will go again one day. We were both talking about wanting to write books on the way to the hospital so if we can be Mel Robbins successful, we can go to Disneyland whenever we want! Ha ha! I will continue my blog and hopefully it can help a lot of people. Then I will look into writing a book. One day at a time. I got this!