So much has happened!

I read some of my most recent blogs last night and realized how crazy it was that I went from being severely manic and feeling amazing September 15th to being so depressed October 28th that I only saw one way out and that was suicide. So much has happened just between those 2 dates. I impulsively quit my job and bought a $50,000 super nice SUV with a $990 car payment I could not afford. I traded in my 2019 Jeep Cherokee to the shitty dealership who sold me a car when I was clearly manic and in crisis. The next morning before I came in to finalize the paperwork, my Dad even went into the dealership to confirm with them I was manic and going through crisis. He told them I had just been in jail which was true. I was there at the Pima County Jail for about 18 hours. That is a whole strory on it’s own. So after I signed the paperwork and drove away from the dealership I had to go to a facility to get my Grandma’s gold and diamond ring the Tucson Police cops took from me. I was high on life. I went down to the print shop I love who made my owl logo for my foundation (or now we can just say for my book and blog). That may have been another day though, but I was so convinced and sure that my foundation was going to be super successful. I thought I was going to foster to adopt some kids and that’s why I needed the SUV. I was later arrested again and taken to Pima Count Jail where I stayed 7 miserable days and nights. It was seriously one of the worst experiences of my life. The short answer for the reason is that I broke restraining orders against me. Thank God I was finally transferred by 2 super cool Sheriffs to the CRC. I usually hate the CRC, but in this case I was so happy to put on clean dark purple scrubs and lay on a recliner with a sheet and a couple blankets. It was the middle of the night (not sure what time) so everyone was in their recliners or on a mat on the floor and could not move around. I was telling the Patient Care Techs there who were super awesome and nice that this is why I want to start my own foundation. So people in crisis can come in the middle of the night or whenever and be able to do what they need to do for their mental health. Listen to music, arts and crafts, diamond art, watch a movie, play music, shower, sleep, have dog therapy, etc. I think I will still have my own foundation and it will start with this blog and then a book. When I make money from being a well known blogger and writer I can start my own foundation! But one thing at a time. For now, I am just going to continue to blog and share my story with dark days, good days, bad days, experience, strength and hope! The next day at the CRC they told me they were trying to transfer me to a hospital. I called my cousin and told the doctor I preferred Sonoran Behavioral Health, because that is where my cousin works. Long story short I was there for about 3 weeks. Missed the baby shower for my cousin and my niece’s b-day, because the blood level wasn’t high enough on a med he put me on. He had promised me I would be out that Friday and had to stay a few more days. The food was pretty good but it was so boring and cold. They had groups though that were cool. I just do not like being in mental health hospitals. The doctor pissed me off at first, but he truly cared about me and was trying to help. I think he still put me on too much of a medication that made me depressed. After being discharged I was so happy to go home to my own bed and space and coping skills such as diamond art, music, and baths. I was also so excited to see my family. But I still had a restraining order and wasn’t able to see my nephews and niece which broke my heart. I also was so stressed that I wasn’t going to have a car. The car dealership got rid of all my stuff in my jeep and that was not an option. I had to just miss the payments on my new car. I was just so depressed with no job, no hope, the meds working against me. My doctor and therapist were all out of town the week before 10/28. I felt there was no other way. More about that in the blog before this. After my suicide attempt and after getting out of the hospital, I had to voluntarily repossess my brand new expensive car and Thank God ..or Thank My Dad and Step Mom for buying me a used 2000 Honda Accord in great condition. Having a car has always been my security. I need a car. I love buying and having cars. So as much as it feels like I am at rock bottom starting over, I am just grateful for all I have and for my family and friends. Thank you all for your love and support. Today I started my day with AA again at 630am. It was so good. I didn’t get much sleep last night despite taking my sleeping medications. I am debating going and getting some CBN/CBD/Indica to sleep better. I need to sleep good on my upcoming trip cause my sister and I will have long 14 hour fun filled days at Disneyland and California Adventure! Hope everyone has a great day! Do one thing that you love or makes you happy today and/or so something nice for someone without telling anyone about it!