I’m doing so good!

I haven’t typed a blog in awhile. I am obsessed with doing Tik. Tok videos now. Check it out. I am @stefaniessafespace. The last blog I said I was going to take the mood stabilizer Lamictal just for my sister so I can see her and my niece and nephews. I was excited and confident about my decision. I had been texting my sister long texts saying I was going to take Lamictal and that her and the kids mean so much to me. My texts said delivered so figured she was seeing them. I asked her where her head is at with me. I talked to my cousin and it turns out I am blocked. My cousin did not want to get in the middle of it and my sister told her..don’t get in the middle of it. So I asked my Aunt Val to pease send the texts to my sister that I was trying to send. She did. Vanessa’s response was that she isn’t going to text her or me back regarding her thoughts or wishes. She said she has to take care of her mental health and protect her kids. She said she is tired of my bullshit. What the actual fuck! First of all I am doing really well and there is no need to protect her kids from me. And bulshit? Does she think I have gone into crisis and called DCS for drinking and driving and tried to take my on life on purpose. I have mental illness and can’t control my brain and what I do sometimes. I did a Tik Tok video that morning when my Aunt told me what she said. It was raw! I was crying almost the whole time. I am not going to take a toxic mood stabilizer just because my sister thinks she is smarter than my psychiatrist and she thinks she knows what I need for my metal health. I have been dealing with my mental illness since I was 16 years old. I am almost 45 this month. This is my body and my brain. Nobody knows exactly what my brain was thinking when I was in crisis and hospitalized. The thoughts of past trauma were awful. The confusing delusions were awful. I am sharing my whole story so now people will know more about how my brain works and what I think and how I feel. My sister sees a therapist and that’s great! She wants to be better for her kids and I think that is amazing. I am sure her therapist supports her staying away from her “crazy” sister. I wonder if she told her therapist the truth about why I called DCS on her last year. Probably not. My sister’s drinking and driving used to be worse with the kids but I don’t think she gets wasted and drives with them anymore. She still drinks and drives with them and said she doesn’t see a problem with that. I just wanted her to go to rehab. Didn’t want her in jail or prison like I had to, but if she gets a DUI, that may happen. And if she gets a DUI with the kids, that will be traumatizing for them. My Dad went to rehab when we were kids and things got better. He drank and drove with us prior to getting sober. I don’t think I was ever scared to get in the car with him cause I trusted him but maybe I was sometimes. I know my sister’s kids have been in the past. Her drinking has effected them and still will. I know they are very proud of me for being sober. My sister is not going to Easter at my Aunt’s house Sunday because I will be there. I can just pray that she comes around soon and wants a relationship with me. She was so mad that I wouldn’t take a mood stabilizer which doesn’t do anything foe me except make me feel bad. And now she is probably mad that I am telling the World she drinks and drives with her kids. I worked at a law firm for 3 and a half years and was just on Wellbutrin and was so great! I loved my job and was so positive and social. I am on Wellbutrin again now and it is really helping. A mood stabilizer won’t prevent me from having a PTSD flashback. I just need to learn how to control it better. I am trying to not get stressed out and have been trying to get good sleep every night. I have so many coping skills. I am never going back to the hospital to start over on awful Lithium or Depakote. I am so happy that I don’t have to work and haven’t had to since last September. I am fortunate to get a good amount of mental disability and I am going to do some presentations for mental health and will be paid $60.00 each time. I am also probably getting a roommate in a few months which will be some extra income. I don’t ever want to have a boss and shitty co workers again. Right now my job is just to take care of my mental health. I am sharing my foundation on here and on Tik Tok. I am hoping in about 6 months or so I can start the process to make my foundation and official foundation with a 501(3)c. I know a lot of friends who will want to volunteer and help me! I will be such an amazing boss. I will eventually have paying jobs and it will be so fun to work for me!!