I survived!

I am really excited to finally get back to writing! It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. I can be successful without having my own foundation. I always come out of mania and get completely discouraged with my dream. I have not written since September 2025. It is now February 1, 2026! This is going to be a great year! I feel like I was kind of off to a rocky start, but I am feeling really good right now! I have an upcoming trip with my sister to Disneyland that is going to be amazing! I started my day today with AA at 630am and went to church at 1230pm. Ended the day with dinner at my Mom’s so I have a good relationship with her again! Last October 28th I tried to take my own life. That was my nephew’s 17th birthday and I knew I did not want my day of death to be on his birthday, but I knew nobody would check on me until the next day as I checked into a hotel and nobody knew where I was. As soon as I checked into the hotel at about 4pm I took a bunch of pills and laid down. I didn’t want to do it at my house, because I did not want my family to find me days later like my Dad found my Uncle Scotty after 4 days. I figured housekeeping would find me the next day dead. Well I was almost dead. I know this is dark and I have briefly mentioned it on Facebook a couple times but have not shared the details with many people besides my family and close friends. I do not remember the fire department coming. I was completely unconscious. At the hospital I was intubated for a week. After I was extubated, I regretted it right away. My sister had been by my side a lot and she came soon after I was extubated. She was so surprised and happy that I was awake. I still remember her and I both crying. I told her I’m so sorry. I am crying as I type this but I am actually in a really great place mentally. I had to spend another week and a couple days at St Josephs Hospital, after I was extubated and then a week and a couple days at the psych hospital I was at the month before when I was manic. The doctor was really good and truly cared. He put me on a medication I did not want to be on, but I need the strongest mood stabilizer and anti depressant at least for awhile to keep me stable. The last couple of weeks I have felt depressed and suicidal off and on, but I am okay now. I talked to my psychiatrist and he adjusted the medications a bit. I am starting with a new therapist and I think I like her but it has only been a couple sessions. I had to go to an outpatient group therapy program for a couple weeks and it took a little while to find a new therapist. I only stayed at the group therapy 2 weeks when I was supposed to do 5 weeks but it just wasn’t right for me. It can help a lot of people though so I won’t discourage anyone from trying it. I think part of my depression recently was just situational. I haven’t had a job and have been stressed out about that. Also, I have been struggling with my weight. I want to get physically healthy but have gained a few pounds recently. I am still about 20 pounds down from my heaviest but I am still around 300lbs. I normally would not tell someone my weight, but the point of my blog and sharing my story is just being true to myself. I interviewed for 3 jobs which I did not get. I dropped off my resume at a salon yesterday, but if I do not get that job I will be taking some time to focus on myself and overall health. I have had mental disability for a few years and can get by on that. I just need to budget a little better. I saw a yellow butterfly last Thursday on my way to a law firm interview and saw one yesterday on the way to the salon and again today in driving in the parking lot at church. Those are just reminders for me to keep my faith. I had lost my faith back in October in my dark days. After my cousin Adam passed away at age 33 (he would have been 46 now, just a few months older than me) my sister saw a lot of yellow butterflies. So I know those yellow butterflies are a reminder that he is with me as well as his brother Ryan who joined him a couple of years ago. I also feel my Aunt Kiki, Grams Joyce, Gramps John, Gramps Fritz, Grams Shirley, Uncle Scotty, my friends Joe Stone, Jesse, Dave, and Brian. I am probably missing some people.. Great Aunt Nona, Uncle Bob.. Anyway I survived some dark days and am truly blessed to be alive and have so much support from family and friends. Success is what you make it. The other day when I was out with friends after volunteering at church I mentioned that I was more successful at age 22 than I am now, because I was an EMT and bought my own house by myself. But I am more successful now going through and surviving what I have. I will find a job soon enough and who knows, maybe I will finally publish a book and be a best seller and blogger and/or have my own podcast. I wanted to start my own foundation, but a lot of people have told me how hard that would be and I believe them. Okay I have written enough for the night. I am just jamming out to Jelly Roll in a comfy sweatshirt and sweatpants and about to just relax a little bit more before taking my sleep medications. Good night everyone! If you took the time to read this, I really appreciate your love and support!!