Medications

Now that I have had my meds adjusted in the hospital, I am just a little bit nervous about being on a higher dose of my mood stabilizer. It needs to be at a therapeutic level though, but last October when I tried to take my own life I was on the higher dose of mood stabilizer. I was just out of the hospital for being severely manic. I was not on an anti depressant too though, so I am hoping this time is different because I am also taking an anti depressant. I am just feeling a little blah though and don’t feel like I have much energy. Hopefully it will all level out soon. I think it takes awhile for the anti depressant to fully be at a therapeutic level. I wish my sleep was better. I was given new medications to sleep and they help me fall asleep quickly but then I am awake about 3 hours later. I think I go back to sleep for a decent amount of time though but not sure. I am not listing the names of my medications, because I am not educated to give medical advise. Different medications work differently for people. I have mostly been laying down all day today. I feel like a lazy bum. I finally took a shower and did my hair and make up, because I am going to my sisters’ house to hangout with her, her girlfriend, my cousin, and neices, and nephews. I am very much looking forward to that. I also went out to dinner last night with a few girlfriends for a good friends’ birthday so that was good. I think I will go to church tomorrow morning. I will probably go to the second service of the morning. I have been so bummed that I missed my sister trip to Disneyland but need to get over it. We were both really looking forward to that for awhile and were so excited. I wish I could have gotten a handle on my sleep a couple weeks leading up to it and my stress and anxiety. But it is what it is. I needed help at the hospital. I have a therapy appointment on Monday and hope that goes well. I hope she can give me ways to stop stressing about stuff that is not in my control. I recently switched over to a new therapist and this will only be my third session with her. I think I like her and think she will be able to help. I really hope so anyway.

Even though I am feeling kind of blah, I am trying to stay positive and have gratitude for all I have. I am kind of losing my motivation to write a book, but I do not need to stress about that now. I gave myself a 2 year deadline so I have plenty of time to work on that. I need to go through my older blogs and see what all I have written about already and what still needs to be written. I am thinking some of my blogs can just be transferred to my book. I need to get Office 365 again soon or as least Microsoft Word. I looked up on ChatGPT how to get a book published. I want to hopefully find a publisher rather than self publish so it will be more successful. Years ago I wrote a letter to a literary agent and that is what I will probably need to do again. In the meantime, I do not have to stress about getting a part time job. I do hope to be able to get one in 2-3 months though. I want to volunteer with NAMI and do public speaking with In Our Own Voice and Ending The Silence. I should go by the office next week. I just think if I could meet the right people to help, get my book published, do fundraising and make a lot of money, my foundation would be so kick ass! How cool would it be for there to be a big space that is 24 hours where people who are lonely or having a hard time with anxiety or depression can come and have all the coping skills available to them? The hospitals and the Crisis Response Center are so boring especially during the middle of the night. You just have to lay in your bed or a recliner. The hospitals usually have 2-3 groups a day but the rest of the time you’re just sitting around doing nothing. Some hospitals have music which is nice but some do not. The last hospital I was at had a small TV and the volume did not work good. My facility will have rooms with music, musical instruments, movie theaters, diamond art, scrapbooking, crafting, dog therapy, library full of books and comfortable seating, etc. I don’t want to give up on my dream. One day at a time I will work on my mental health and try to stay positive and be grateful and keep my faith in God and my angels. I can make my dream a reality. It will be hard work, but I think it is meant to be. I don’t want to rely on anyone else but would be nice to meet an amazing guy who has the means to help me with my dream. But even if that doesn’t happen, I know God will put people in my life who will support and help me. He already has. I have a lot of supportive people in my life. Part of me wants to meet my “person” before I am super successful and part of me wants to meet him after I become super successful. But either way, as I said it my last blog…I do deserve love and am not giving up on that. I am not actively looking for love now, but it will find me when the timing is right. Now I just need to focus on my mental and physical health, going to AA ( I will have 3 years sober next month), NAMI, keeping my house clean, and keeping up with doctor appointments. I think I am going to start Diet of Hope soon to lose weight. I lost 50 pounds on it a couple of years ago. I took off December for all the holiday parties and goodies and then never started again. I gained all the weight back. I am confident that I can lose over 100 pounds by doing that program again. I know I will feel so much better when I can lose weight again!!