Bye Mom!

This blog is going to be a lot. I will just warn you theren it is a lot. It’s 2:45am right now. I slept good until now. I had a couple good dreams. One of them was about my Mom and that I am making the right decision to cut her from my life. I had another bad fight with my Mom last night at about 8pm. I can’t decide if I should write about the phone call first or just start from the beginning. I think I will start from the beginning and say for the most part, I had a great childhood. Raised by both my parents with a big bro and a little sister. Our parents took us on 2 trips a year. Disneyland and San Diego. My Mom loves me and has always loved me and I guess I still love her and pray for her. After that phone call though, I think she has anger and hate inside herself. But anyway, my parents used to fight a lot when I was little. My Mom blames my Dad for a lot of the fights. Not only did she scream at my Dad when they were fighting and he of course yelled back, but as I got older she would scream at me. The youngest clear memory I have of it was when I was about 10 years old and we were visiting my grandparents in Las Vegas. I was yelling and screaming too and I have no idea how it started, but she’s the Mom. She should be able to control her anger better than a child. There was nothing my Dad could do and nothing my Grandparents could do. It got to the point where one of my parents, said we are going home. Think it was my Mom but I don’t know. We all had to pack early and go sit angry and upset on the way home to Tucson. I am sure that effected my brother and sister too. My mom slapped me once hard on the face I think when I was a teenager. I don’t know what I said, but she should have been able to control her anger better. My brother used to beat up on me as kids. It was mostly normal kid stuff but still I think traumatized me.a bit, because sometimes I was held down with a big cushion pillow and he hit my arms and legs causing bruises. My Mom once hit him as hard as she could on his back for hurting me. I egged my brother on I am sure to get beat up but it was still not right. I love my brother though. We don’t have the best relationship I think mostly, because his wife is horrible. Also because he is just drifting away from our family and has for for years. But also maybe because what I put him through last year saying that he raped me which is 100% not true. I was molested by a man I do not know. And him holding me down like that and beat up triggered me. I just got upset and cried a lot which is valid for your brother hurting you. I still had the molestation repressed I believe. Back to my Mom. She didn’t care that I gained weight in High School. We grew up with junk food everywhere. I am sure if my Dad could have done something about that he would. He helped me in HS with the soup diet and then I think a carb diet. My Mom said tonight. “What was I supposed to do, tell you you can’t have a cookie.” I let her know she could have helped in any way. When I was 20 years old she just yelled at me and told me I was having too much pizza and no that doesn’t help Mom. I have had to watch her do the same thing with my adopted sister and now my nephew. The difference is, their weight issues started as kids. She says she is trying to help my 9 year old nephew and hopefully she will. My Mom didn’t even take me prom dress shopping. Your oldest daughter you don’t want to take prom dress shopping. A good friend (A Mother figure) took me to get my prom dress and encouraged me to get personal training and I think paid for it and I lost like 40 pounds before Prom. I gained and lost weight every year of High School. When I was 16 years old and had my first PTSD crisis, my Mom dragged me to the hospital to get drug tested and although I don’t blame her, she was really mean about it. I was smoking marijuana around that time and think that must have come up but I don’t know. My brother and her tried to hold me down to give me my Mom’s medication.. forgot what it is called now..Shocking.. my Mom used to actually tak meds for her mental health condition. She never would admit she has a mental health condition tho. Think she just got some medication to take cause I don’t even know. Maybe she realized she had anxiety and needed something to relax even though she probably wouldn’t even called it anxiety though. If I have bi-polar, it could be cause PTSD and/or it is hereditary and my Mom had bi-polar. She can’t control screaming a lot. I’ve had to watch her scream at my sisters their whole lives except when they were cute babies. She doesn’t usually get lows though. She doesn’t understand how people get depressed enough to take their own lives. Depression I don’t think has ever been an issue for her so by definition she is not bi-polar type 1. Maybe she had some kind of trauma happen to her when she was a child, teenager, or adult. She definitely has a mental health condition though that for her I don’t even think therapy would work for her cause she is in so much denial. And she does not have delusions like me. I have had the delusion that she is the devil. So maybe I do have my definition bi-polar .. manic depression, but I think there are other ways beside medication to treat the illness. I will go back and change my other blog to say I have bi-polar and bi-polar is real. Manic Depression I guess I feel better about, because bi-polar is so stigmatized. I still have a lot to talk about my Mom including times of my crisis, but I told myself I would stop writing my 3:33pm and I will start back in the morning. If you have come this far and it’s not done, come back again. Thank You for your support!!