Support from Family and Friends

Today was a pretty good day. I took a friend to DES at 8am and figured while I was down there I would reapply for nutrition assistance. I only got $27 bucks before, but guess anything is better than nothing. Luckily we were in and out of there in about 45 minutes. I did my application while standing in line and she had already done her application. We went to Ross after to go clothes shopping. She found a couple cute shirts. I tried on pants, dresses, and shirts and did not like anything. Some of it looked okay but not great. It is just motivating me to stay on track with eating healthy and exercising. I will go clothes shopping again after losing at least another 20 pounds. I did find a cute little red wallet in the checkout area that I bought for $5 bucks. I dropped my friend home and went home and made some tuna fish with mayo, yellow pepper, cucumber, relish, and pepper. It was really good. I waited about a half hour to an hour to get my swimsuit on and head to the gym to swim laps. I swam laps for an hour. It was a little annoying cause I had to share a lane with a guy who kept splashing my face and also a guy in the other lane was splashing me at times. I am just chill when I swim. I was never on a swim team or anything so I don’t even get my face wet. I wear contacts so I just keep my head above water and do the froggy style swim or swim on my back. Today is my cousin’s 44th b-day. 444 is an angel number. I love my cousin so much. She has experienced so much trauma in her life and is so strong and amazing! Her Mom (my Aunt Kiki) passed away about 18 years ago. After I chilled in the jacuzzi for awhile, I got in my car and saw that a Saab was parked right in front of me. My Aunt Kiki used to have a convertible white Saab with a black top. I went to Subway and was going to get a ham sandwich but instead got a protein pocket with baked chips and a Diet Coke and the total was $8.88. That is such a good angel number. I wrote a whole blog called 888 that included the definition. I will just write the first paragraph that comes up on google. The 888 angel number is a powerful sign of financial abundance, prosperity, and cosmic alignment, often signaling that your efforts are bringing material success, balance, and positive karmic rewards. It represents a “triple prosperity” omen and suggests it is the ideal time to trust your intuition for career growth and deep, stable, or twin-flame relationships. This number is perfect for my life right now. I will be successful with my foundation soon. My sister’s favorite number is 8 and I thought about her a lot today. I text her and she said we will definitely talk soon. She is currently either working or sleeping. I just hope she doesn’t say I can’t see her kids unless I am on a mood stabilizer. I don’t think she would do that though, but it is a fear of mine. I called and talked to my good friend Julie about it and that helped. Julie and I are planning a trip to Disneyland next month! But anyway, I got stuck with the diagnosis bi-polar when I was 22 causing a lot of people including family and doctors to not believe my trauma. In my opinion, bi-polar is a way for the doctors, hospitals, and pharmaceutical companies to make as much money as possible. In my opinion, most people need therapy and need to deal with and treat past trauma. A lot of people with bi-polar have past trauma.. and/or drug addiction, alcoholism, homelessness which can all cause “bi polar” symptoms. These commercials for psych meds are ridiculous. Treat your bi-polar but you may experience suicidal ideations along with a long list of other side effects. Sure, I have had severe symptoms that appear to be a bi-polar manic episode. Corecction.. I do have bi-polar.. manic depression, but for me there are still different ways to treat it at this point in my life. And to be clear.. I am still taking an anti depressant and antipsychotic. I can’t even write the rest of this right now. My Mom just called me back and we got into a heated argument. I am done with my Mother. The next bog will be all about my Mother. She ended the conversation with.. you need to find your therapist and find someone else to be in your life and I said Fuck you bitch! I knew the other day I didn’t want to have a relationship with her anymore, but thought I could give it some time and go to Easter and eventually go to Disneyland with the family next March. But now she doesn’t want to have a relationship with me either. My therapist asked me Monday, if you don’t have your Mom in your life, do you have people who will still support you. My answer was yes. I have a lot of people in my life who will support me. I am crying as I write this, but I also feel free. I will write more later. My Mother is a huge part of my story. It is so important to have family support and telling my story about my Mother is important. I journaled about her 2 nights ago in the middle of the night, because I wasn’t ready to share on my blog. I wanted to try to have a good relationship with her. But I am so so done!! I just went back and edited the part that says I have bi-polar and then I started crying cause I just need my sister! I am confident we can have a good talk. I will let her know she is my emergency contact as she has been for years over my Mom. And I will let her know if I ever start to feel too depressed or manic. I do not plan on ever going back to the hospital or being too manic that I can’t control my thoughts. I will let her know we can take my med change one month at a time like me and my NP do. As soon as I get off court ordered treatment hopefully in 3 months, I will go get a psychiatrist with my Medicare and I will be completely honest with my delusions and everything and it will be between her (or him but I think I prefer a her) and me. And then I will still talk to my sister about anything and everything! I will stay in my sister’s life forever and my nephews and neice who I love so so much. I believe in God and have faith. My sister just needs to try to have faith in me!