Flashbacks

It is 1:10am Thursday morning 2/26/26. I had a busy day yesterday. I started my day with swimming laps, then came home and showered and made eggs over medium with wheat toast and guacamole salsa. I then got ready to go to an ultrasound appointment for my uterus. I had to have a full bladder which is weird. I haven’t had my period for 9 months and I recently figured out it is probably because of the antipsychotic Invega injection I have taken since last April. Heck, I am okay with no period. But anyway after that I was going to go to Costco for liquid or powder collagen cause my hair is falling out from stress and/or from my mood stabilizer. I was also going to get some cooked chicken packets for my diet and maybe a few other things. But my Aunt was almost done at Costco, my appt started late… so we met at sushi and I can go to Costco tomorrow. I already have pills of collagen but because of my gastric bypass I don’t know if it absorbs well enough. Anyway, then we went to Cowpony for a drink. I had an NA Michelada. I then went to the women’s AA meeting at 3:30pm at Eastside meeting place. I was so excited to see a lady who I haven’t seen in awhile. She was like how long has it been? I said well I tried to take my own life in October. Her daughter took her own life by taking some of the same type of pills I took years ago. She has been through a lot and is such a cool person. She kind of reminds me of my Grams Joyce. Anyway, it was a good meeting. There was a newcomer who I gave my card and number to. There was only a couple women available to sponsor and one of them said her higher power is the mountains. Ya, that’s not gonna work for me. I can be friends with people who don’t believe in God but for my sponsor it is important that she does. I was going to go to my 5:30pm meeting after but I was so tired and needed to come home and rest before trivia with a friend. Trivia was fun! We were at second place for awhile but ended up not placing. I came home and crashed out without taking out my contacts or taking my meds. I was just going to lay down for a bit, because I did not want to go to sleep too early so was waiting to take my meds, but fell asleep. It was really hard to get one of my contacts out as it was stuck to my eyeball. I got up and took my meds and should be sleeping now, but I have had a lot on my mind. My therapist canceled again this week on Monday. That is 2 out of 5 times. I tried to get back into my old therapist who I really liked and had a connection with. She called me herself and told me her facility can’t do intensive court ordered treatment. She talked to me for a bit and said if I ever need to call her I can. That meant a lot. I am going to continue with my new therapist, because I like her. I just need to open up more about what I have been thinking about and hopefully she will be helpful. I was going to journal on paper to bring my thoughts to our next meeting but my new notepad is out in my car and I don’t want to go outside in the middle of the night. I need to get a couple more notepads. Tonight I was thinking about the blog F this man! This blog was about my experience getting physically assaulted at Banneer South last April by security guards. I think I am okay letting go of my child trauma and just coming to terms with the fact that I won’t remember why, who, or when it happened. I did however read the blog I NEED MY SISTER which is about my trauma when I was 22 years old when I was assaulted by security guards and a tech and severely drugged by the nurse. It’s just so sad to me that it is still going on to this day. They just get out of the cameras view and surround the patient so nobody can see and they document accordingly so nobody gets in trouble or gets fired. I have a giant portrait of my Great Grandpa George in my office and it is just propped up against my desk now so every time I pass that room I see him and know he is with me. He has been one of my strongest angels since I was born. I have still also been thinking about how I tried to take my own life last October and am so grateful to be alive. My nephews were old enough to know what was going on though and it breaks my heart that I actually did that to them. My nephews and neice wrote me the nicest letters when I was at St Josephs Hospitaal and my sis hung them on my wall. My little 6 year old neice brought me 2 of her little stuffies too which was so cute. My sister tried to find a rhino at the gift shop but instead found a sloth that is adorable since I was just laying in bed. I need to go to sleep. Not sure I will though. I slept about 3-3 and half hours which isn’t too bad. I got more sleep last night. This morning at 8:30am I have an appt at Diet of Hope. If I don’t go back to sleep I will go to AA 6:30am-7:30am. Then I need to go get some meds and then go to Costco. Then I can relax and maybe take a nap if I need to. Sleep is so important with mental health. Hope everyone else is getting some good sleep right now. Good Night!