Hard Day

Good Evening everyone! It is Friday night at 9:33pm! Love the number 33! It was my Uncle Scotty’s favorite number and also mine. 333 is a good angel number. If you have never looked it up, you should! Today I stayed in bed almost all day. It felt really good to be in bed. I got out of bed at I think 11:33am and had a macaroni and cheese lean cuisine and I added green chiles and chalula. I also had a Coke Zero which was really good. I did a video for Tik Tok and was going to go to the gym to swim laps, but I just ended up back in bed. I felt depressed today about not being able to see any of my nieces and nephews. I did text my cousin Nicole though and she text me back and said we can go to lunch not next week but the week after so I will be able to see my adorable 6 month old baby niece. Her older sister too actually! I was just going to say that she will be at school, but my cousin said she has graduation next week so should be out for summer! Yay! That will make me so happy. I really wanted to see my 8 year old nephew and 6 year old niece who are my adopted 27 year old’s kids. I asked her though and she sent me back this long text saying that our Mom is so amazing and so is our sister Vanessa. She said she knows I am not well so can’t be around the kids. My family all think I am manic and delusional because I am telling my truth. It makes me really sad that they will never understand my mental illness. I have been having a really hard couple of months not being able to see my nephews and niece from my biological sister, because she wants me to take a mood stabilizer and an anti psychotic and I get sick to my stomach just thinking about that. In my opinion they are all so toxic. I have had bad experiences on psych medications. I am still taking an anti depressant and anti anxiety pills and anti anxiety pills for sleep. I got up and showered today to go to AA and that felt good. I did my hair and make up and wore my Stefanie’s Safe Space shirt and a long grey and black skirt that is comfortable. I chair the 5:30pm Happy Joyeous and Free meeting on.Fridays now. It was a good meeting. After the meeting I cried in my car for a bit. I am just so sad about my family. I will never have a relationship with my sister again.. I just have no respect for her for drinking and driving with her kids and drinking to cope with her 6 year old daughter. I just pray every day for them. I went to the Hilton for the fish fry special. The Hilton Hotel on Broadway and Prudence is where I tried to take my own life last October. Sirens are going by now. I always think about my Gramps Fritz when sirens go by. My Gramps John was in the navy and was a civil engineer. He worked in Vegas for awhile on hotels and casinos but he was the lead engineer on the Hilton East. There is a cool glass elevator! I am going to have my first foundation party there. I think I mentioned that in my last blog. As I got home after a very nice dinner, at the intersection by my house the lights were flashing for the fire department but there was no ambulance or fire truck. I know that was my Gramps saying hi to me and telling me he is so proud of me and I am going to be okay. I just need to hold onto my angels so hard as they are holding onto me so hard! I talked to a girl who was a server at the Hilton and that was really good. She just turned 21 and has had mental health issues. We opened up to each other about some things. I felt like I was supposed to meet her tonight! She had a beautiful cross necklace on. She took a few of my business cards and said she will support me. Part of me was hoping I would meet my soulmate there visiting from a different state but it is not time yet. I hope to meet him soon but only God and my angels know when and where I will meet him. I just can’t wait to have a partner in life. Guys message me on Tik Tok but I am not interested. I am not meant to meet my soulmate on Tik Tok. My best friend since 4th grade’s Mom commented on my Facebook post today about my blog and that was really nice. She almost made me cry. She said: Sweetie girl, I know you’re having a rough time. I don’t know how to help but I know you have the key. Even if it’s not what you believe is the best solution do what is best for you now. You’re a beautiful, kind and loving person. You are one of the sweetest people I know. Give yourself some grace, love and the opportunity to bless more people with your sunshine. You’re loved more than you know honey. That was so sweet of her to say. I definitely need to do what is best for me in the moment and take care of my mental health. Today in the shower I cussed and screamed and cried at my sister. I just wish things could be different. Our Dad used to drink and drive with us as kids but he went to rehab and got sober and better. Just wish that could happen for my sister. My grandparents are the ones who paid for my Dad to go to rehab. I asked my Dad once I think to pay for my sister to go to rehab but she has to be willing. I was still debating on going to a family lawyer to try to get custody of my 6 year old niece. I think I have decided to let go and let God! I think her Dad is a horrible man and has no right to raise any kids. There are a lot of people who do not deserve kids though and then a lot of good people who can’t have kids. It sometimes makes me question God but I know he has a purpose and plan for everything. I am just jamming out to some Christian music in my office. I need to go back and read my other most recent 3 blogs. I feel like I am repeating myself. I am going to go lay down now. It is almost 10pm and I am getting up early to go to a brunch to hopefully meet a couple new friends and will see a couple old ones.