I’m Back

I haven’t written in awhile and was really depressed and discouraged off and on for a few months. I had a psychiatrist who was awful. He dismissed all my concerns and everything I had to say. I was forced to take lithium in the hospital in May, and for me personally… I do not like it and how it makes me feel. It is one of the oldest drugs and can ultimately cause organ failure. I do not know how that is still legal. I was court ordered to treatment last October so have a couple months left. My last doctor definitely treated me like a court ordered patient. He was telling me that he knows that lithium is the only med that works for me and he was forcing me to stay on it. He only knew me for about 8 months so not sure how he knew what was best for me. I have been taking different meds and lining with my mental illness for 28 years. He even made a comment one time telling me that I have free healthcare and he had 600 patients. and basically ..ugh I wish I remember exactly what he said. It was so disrespectful. I actually have SMI (Severe Mental Illness). I was diagnosed with that when I was 22 years old. Because of all my past hospitilaztions and my SMI, I have been on mental disability for about 4 years now. Being on mental disability after 2 years qualified me for a good Medicare health plan. I also work part time. So for him to treat me that .. or anyone else..is so unprofessional and out of line. I am just so happy that I requested a new doc and now have a new psychiatrist who listens and cares. I thought I finally was prescribed a new good sleep med (one that the last doctor refused to give me since I used to be an alcoholic). The new med didn’t work the first night and when I talked to my new NP psychiatrist, he advised me to take 3mg instead of 1mg and called in a new script for 3mg. Luckily I did not need another prior authorization through insurance again for the dosage change cause the last one took 2 weeks. The first night I took the 3mg I slept so good and was so excited! But the last couple nights I have been wide awake still after about an hour or an hour and half. I didn’t give it too much time tonight before I decided I want to write. I am just going to take some Indica/CBN gummies soon that help a lot. It sucks that I have to pay for them as insurance will not cover it, but it’s not too expensive and they have the gummies I like for 30% off on Thursday. Maybe I will be able to get a medical marijuanna card soon. I’d rather take the gummies that are more healthy and natural than sleep meds.

But as I was laying in bed tonight, I was thinking about how I am finally so motivated and determined to lose weight. I am at my all time heaviest ever, and I feel so unhealthy and un comfortable. Last Monday I did 3 workouts and felt great but then I got sick with a cold the next day that lasted a few days. I am still not 100% as a I have a bit of a lingering cough, but I feel much better. I plan on doing my dumbbell workout tomorrow and also a cardio dance workout on YouTube. Then I have a much procrastined and dreaded mammogram at 4pm. But after that my friend and I are going to go down to my community pool at about 5/530pm. We did that last Monday and it was the perfect time to go. The whole 1 and a half hours we were down there, I stayed mostly in the deep end and just moved my arms and legs so good. The sky was so pretty and the weather was nice compared to the 100-110 degree hot summer days here in Tucson, AZ.

But as I laid in bed tonight taking nice relaxing slow breaths in and out hoping to fall asleep, not only was I thinking about my plan to lose weight and how much fun it will be to wear better clothes….I also was thinking about how all my angels are with me. I felt my Grams, Aunt Kiki, my other Grams, both Grandpas, Uncle Scotty, my cousins Ryan and Adam, my Uncle Bob, my friends Joe Stone, Jesse (who just recently passed), friends Dave Seymour, Brian Kelly, Roger Tamietti. I just felt them all supporting me. I will be the first to admit that this is usually a sign of going into crisis. I feel my angels stronger. But I am feeling really good these days and am in a good place mentally. I’ve had a good part time job since January, I am feeling motivated about getting back in shape, I just had a fun game night last night with 8 friends!! God and my angels are always with me and it doesn’t just have to mean something bad is going to happen. I just laid in bed crying a bit and asked God to keep me strong and help and guide me to get healthy. I also feel excited about my future. I was suicidal a couple months or so ago, but now I feel happy and hopeful. I want to start my own foundation still. The last few months I gave up on my dream and figured it is unrealistic cause I have no idea what I am doing and will probably have to pay a lawyer to help with all the legal stuff. But I am just going to take baby steps and do one thing at a time. For now, I will focus on my physical health and also will try to write a blog every day. When I lose weight and feel more confident, I will start doing public speaking with NAMI again with In Our Own Voice which I have done before and also with Ending the Silence which I have been wanting to do. That program would allow me to talk with High School students and maybe Junior High School as well. Eventually when I have more of a plan, I may start asking for donations to my foundation and open a new bank account to keep the money aside until I have enough to start getting active with my foundation. I can do fundraisers and events to raise money and awarness. Once I am more successful, I’d love to share my foundation, purpose, and plans with the news and celebrities. I already had a local company create my owl logo very similar to my owl tattoo which is special to me after my Grams Joyce passed away. I had one black shirt made with a small owl on the front and a big one on the back. It says Stefanie’s Safe Space, Stopping the Stigma of Mental Illness. It is pretty awesome! When I get closer to having an actual 501(c)(3) non profit foundation, I will have more shirts made, stickers made, and a big sticker decal for the back of my car. In the meantime, I just need to chill and be humble and patient and not overdo it. I am thankful for all my friends and family who have been supportive. I have a good relationship with my brother and sister again and take back the allegations I made against my brother. That was my trauma brain not knowing what happened to me, and because I still don’t know my trauma from when I was a child, I am still not able to process it. I am willing to put that behind me though and move on. I remember the trauma I had at 22years old like it was yesterday, but I am still ready to put that behind me and move on. I still am seeing my therapist. I am really excited to be writing again and hope everyone will read my blogs and support me. If I post about it too much on Facebook and it annoys you, its okay to just silence my posts or unfriend me. But I know I have a lot of people who love and support me. I appreciate you all! Thank you! Have a good night! It’s not too late..only 11:30pm. I am going to take my weed gummies and hopefully will sleep well. Sleep is so important for overall health! Peace and Love my friends! Till next time!