I MISS MY SISTER

My sister and I got in a fight Saturday March 7th. It has been almost 2 weeks already. About a week or week and a half ago she said we will definitely get together and talk soon but she was busy with work and sleeping. The fight was about my medications. She thinks I need to be on a mood stabilizer and an antipsychotic. She thinks she completely understands my mental illness, because she has been with me since I was 19 months old. There is just so much more to my mental illness than she understands. For starters, she will never acknowledge I have PTSD. I was molested when I was a toddler and raped in the hospital when I was 22 years old. I have been handcuffed so many times I can’t count, arrested, restrained in hospitals, was in jail for 7 nights. All of that just casused more PTSD. I have been bettter off mood stabilizers than on them. When I worked at a law firm for 3 and a half years, I was great on just an anti depressant. That job ended Sept or October of 2024. When I was living in CT and NY with my ex husband about 13 years ago, I had 2 “manic episodes” aka PTSD flashbacks. One time I was on Lithiuma and the other time I was on a high dose of Lamictal. The only mood stabilizer I would ever consider taking is Lamictal, because I believe it is the less toxic of many but it didn’t do anything to help my PTSD flashbacks. I have gone years without medications at times and have been fine. Even my brother once said a few years ago that I was better off meds than on meds. I am still taking medications now. I am taking an anti depressant, anti anxiety meds, an anti psychotic (which I will probably stop taking in 3 months when I am off court ordered treatment and can have my own psychiatrist with Medicare), and I take a sleep medication. At least my NP switched me to a healthier newer antipsychotic med. I have a good therapist and a good NP psychiatrist which in my opinion NPs are better than doctors, because they listen more and aren’t on their high horse thinking they know everything. The doctor I had before this NP was awful. He was forcing me to stay on Lithium despite all my symptoms and the way it made me feel, because he said that it is the only thing that will work for me. I think he knew me for about 8 months and I have been doing this since I was 16 years old which is about 29 years. I will be 45 in April. Today I found out that my sister is not going to my Aunt’s house for Easter because I will be there. I cried my eyes out for awhile, because it’s not fair and it makes me so so sad! It’s not fair that she won’t have a relationship with me because I am not taking a mood stabilizer and it is not fair for her to keep her kids from me. I would never hurt her kids or expose them to anything. She knows that. Who knows when my sister will come around. I know she loves me very much. When I tried to take my own life and was intubated she was by my side every day. I love her so much but guess there are reasons I don’t want to be around her right now anyway. I have to take care of my mental health and I am doing so well and amazing. Part of the reason I tried to take my own life last October was because my sister didn’t want to see me or talk to me after my manic episode and I wasn’t able to have any contact with my nephews and niece. It was so so so so hard for me! There were also other reasons I decided to take my own life. I was on Depakote 1000mg, I quit my job, and lost my car.

I don’t want to write another whole blog about my Mom but just want to add that years ago when I was having a PTSD flashback, I was so so scared and was screaming and crying. I was thinking about being molested as a child and being raped as an adult. I jumped up on the counter in my bathroom and just started throwing stuff off my counter into the tiled shower. I threw a glass bowl that I think a Great Aunt got me a long time ago, and thank God it did not break. I threw tee tree oil and that smelled. I went to the mental hospital with the cops. After I got out of the mental hospital, my brother picked me up and told me that my Mom wanted to make sure to leave the mess to make sure I knew what I have done. I remember what I did. I didn’t need anyone to clean it up but for her to purposely leave it for me to remember how I felt in that trauma flashback was hurtful and shitty. She didn’t think I was having a PTSD flashback. She just thinks I am bi-polar and crazy, but even if that was true it was still a really hard time for me. It was cruel of her to want me to relive how I felt in that moment.

Okay well I really hope my sister will want to have a relationship with me again soon. I know my 6 year old neice will ask about me, because she loves me and loves seeing me. She wrote me the cutest note and gave me 2 of her stuffies when I was in the hospital after I tried to take my own life. But I will back off and stop texting and calling my sister. I have to focus on my mental health and not let this effect me. I have lots of friends in AA, lots of friends out of AA, I have an awesome AA sponsor, I have 2 amazing cousins, I have my amazing Aunt who I can always talk to even in the middle of the night sometimes when we are both awake we text each other. Today I went to AA at 6:30am and gave my friend a Stefanie’s Safe Space shirt that she bought for $20. She was excited and so was I. If anyone else wants a shirt it will be $30 cause it is actually $25 to make them and I want to start making a profit for my foundation. The hats are super cute! I got one for myself and wore it yesterday and today. Hats will be $30 as well. Let me know if you’d like one. I ran a couple errands after the meeting. It is now 11:35am and I can eat lunch at 12pm. I am so starving. I have leftover wings from trivia last night. Then I will wait about an hour or so to go swim laps at the gym. I am going to stop weighing myself every day and will just try to weigh myself on Mondays. Hope everyone has a good Thursday or whatever day it is when you read this. I am chairing the 5:30pm AA meeting again tonight. I will continue to do that every Thursday. I need to figure out a nice outfit to wear and will not wear my hat again. I will shower and do my hair after I swim laps. Okay bye for now! Peace and love my friends!