I Surrender

There is no way I will ever be able to forgive my family for the way they have treated me! Put all their mental illness on me! It’s time for me to move on! I will stay in my safe space as long as I can and as long as I need to. I start a new job next Monday and will focus on that and my foundation! I open up my LLC bank account at 9am on Monday! My LLC will be on google soon with my purpose and goals! My LLC has a P.O. Box cause I don’t want to use my home address, but Google is telling me I can’t use a P.O. Box. So I’m playing phone tag with the Google guy! I’ve tried my best to get the 3 small kids safe, but I feel like I did everything I can. I tried to help them help their kids! And now all I can do is step away and pray they are all okay and will be okay! But they have to continue making their own mistakes and learning their own life lessons! I can’t watch it anymore. I was okay saying bye to my Mom and felt so free! But it breaks my fucking heart to have to say bye to my sister and niece … who is only 5. I love them both so so much!! She’s not letting the almost 13 year old nephew have contact with me. I was able to send my oldest nephew a text and a voicemail. They all know I’m here for them whenever they need me! But I have to let go! The boys kept me alive! They were the reason I’m alive and didn’t kill myswlf despite my toxic family, alcoholism, drugs, mental illness, etc. nobody in my family is willing to except they have a mental illness! Well I’m actually really proud of my brother and cousin cause they are seeking help. My cousin has been through so much trauma but she has her Dad still but he’s not doing well. Her Aunt isn’t doing well. And she just lost her Dad’s dog who she took in! She has a huge support system though so I’ll have to step away and hope she can heal on her own with all her people including her MW (My World) my sister. They all have turned against me calling the cops on me and telling everyone I have bi-polar! My mental illness is sadly so much more than that and my therapist understands my mental illness and my toxic family! I’m going to do my own thing and nobody can stop me!! Family and friends keep trying to be negative and tell me to slow down and get professional health! I’m already doing exactly what I need to do and am exactly where I need to be! I have a new psychiatrist again who believes my trauma and is keeping me on my anti depressant medication and I don’t have to see her till 3 months! I’m getting my finger print clearance card because the court is requiring it before I go to my mental health court date on 10/3. I may not be able to save my 5 year old niece, 6 year old nephew and 3 year old niece but it’s so fucked up that the 5 year old’s Dad works for US Customs Border Patrol and is able to get away with hurting women and exposing little girls (possibly hurting them too). I agree with Trump, we gotta get these bad people who come from other countries out, but we also need to try to start with our own country cause we have a lot of fucked up people in this country and World! God, my angels, AA, my church, my therapist and myself are all saying that it’s 100% my time to shine and live my life!! I visioned my dream being able to take care of my family and bringing them along for the ride, but it’s time for me to ride solo and start my own family!! There are plenty of babies and kids who are in need of safe spaces and that’s my goal in life now!! It always has been! For those of you who will support me, thank you!! I do have a lot of people to thank and hug still! Love and peace to all!! I’m alive, I can breathe, I have a safe space to live, a car that is mine and reliable, amazing next door neighbors, an awesome responsible roommate who is a prison guard roommate who makes me feel safe!! I will find my way! I think I already have! It has been confusing but it’s been less than a month and I’ve accomplished so much and weeded out a lot of toxic people in my life!! I’m proud of myself! I will drive home to my safe space or do whatever the Fuck I want and then will be back at AA at 630am to chair my own meeting! I will be chairing the Sunday morning AA meetings at Alano Club and then will be going to church at 9 or 1030am. If you’re in my family (like my sis in law) and want to completely avoid me… you may need to find a new church! I will be rebaptized with purpose on 10/13 at 1030 am and will cry like a big baby for the whole church to see, because above everyone I choose Jesus! And Jesus has me!! I’ll prob have to start all the way over with a new phone plan and phone number soon!! Wish me the best!! I just made the decision to just put on my “mask” first and keep going to help where I am needed!!