It’s a new day!!

Good morning! Yesterday was a pretty rough day. I knew it would be mostly because I had my psychiatrist appointment! I had an amazing psych NP.. Dr. Phil for I think almost 3 years! He was really cool and chill and smart and he actually listened to me and what I know my diagnosis is and what I know I need! I’ve been the one going through this for my whole life!!! My trauma started when I was almost 3 years old! And that will be another blog later. When I was 16 I was confused and hospitalized but thank goodness they didn’t diagnose me bi polar and put me on meds! I had a pretty normal, fun, and great childhood for the most part! I was an innocent kid who didn’t deserve to know my true trauma (God helped my brain repress it) the brain is such an interesting thing!! I had normal isssues like weight gain freshman year cause hormone changes and metabolism changes and bad eating habits which I can almost entirely blame on my Mom! Almost… I knew I was making bad choices! My Dad did his best to help me, but it wasn’t good enough. She did seem to care that I was gaining weight and it was so hard for me (as it would be for any 15 year old who is used to being thin and a size 2)! Again I’m getting off track and this will be whole other blog! But thank goodness after some scary, stressful weeks, hospital stay and testing .. doctors decided that my hormones were probably just changing my behavior… I was confused and paranoid and stressed and scared! So they started me on birth control which ended up working!! My periods were really bad anyway… every 2 weeks… body cramps all over! So birth control I guess saved me until I was about 20. It helped regulate my hormones and moods. Thank goodness for me, in 1996 bi polar I don’t think was a thing yet or if it was it was rare with younger kids. (I need to do some research on that). I think I was diagnosed bi polar when I was 20…. And I got stuck with that stigma all the way till today! I’ve known for awhile that my illness was so much more than bi polar but I definitely didn’t understand for years… going back and forth about how I felt about it!

When I was 22 or 23 I was diagnosed at the mental hospital SMI… severe mental illness … If you don’t know this, psych doctors will diagnose you a mental illness… and in my case severe mental illness after looking at your chart and the symptoms that lead you into the hospital and then after talking to you for about 5 minutes in the hallway. Sometimes they have already put you on meds 2 days before that without explaining what and why! That still happens today! That happened to me just 2 weeks or so ago! The doc saw one of my worst “manic episodes” they like to call it! I hate the word manic and my therapist knows I hate it because it is associated with bi polar and I’ve been done excepting the diagnosis of bi polar for several years already! Anyway, I simply asked the tech if I can have a plastic cup for the water pitcher and I brought the water pitcher to the nurses station to make it easier! The dark haired pretty nurse about 28 I think… I aged her and called her 32 ish to her face! She said the water pitcher needs t stay in the day room. I said okay no problem I’ll bring it back.. can I just get some cups too to bring with it for everyone? She continued to yell at me so I slammed the pitcher on the counter and water splashed everywhere at the nurse’s station. She got up and chased me with another guy who was huge ( super tall… kind of buff guy about 22 years oldish! They got so close to me .. I could tell how mad the were and how bad they wanted to get physical with me!! I kept screaming… get away from me!! Don’t fucking even touch me!!! She said.. go to your room!! I said I’m not 5 years old. I’m not going to my fucking room! So I just leaned against the wall in the hallway and slid down onto the floor into Indian style (which I was told you can’t say that anymore cause it’s offensive and not politically correct) so recently the young lawyer at my work (boss’ entitled fake ass nice son) and his super nice fiance who I did really like called it criss cross apple sauce! Grown as adults … it seemed so dumb to me! Her Dad who is a doctor and her Mom bought her a big nice wide comfy cloth office chair so she could sit criss cross Apple sauce! Omg I’m sorry my brain is just all over the place! I just have so many stories to tell! Okay back to my point… the psych doc must have saw my episode which was a legit trauma response to being threatened … and the nurses tried to give me seroquel that first night! Which was actually my second night! I came to Palo Verde close to midnight and didn’t get on the unit till about 3am. So that was my first night but thank God I took my own anxiety meds before I got there.. Ativan and Benadryl.. cause before I’ve had to scream and scream and cry and be so scared begging them to sedate me with the cocktail (Haldol, Ativan, and Benadryl) so I could stop thinking my Mom was the actual devil! But when you go in the middle of the night, you typically stay in a holding area and it takes hours for them to even process your admission … very rarely can you get meds cause there are no doctors till morning! I’m pretty sure once they just had to take me back over to the hospital TMC … Tucson Medical Center to sedate me! My whole actual point to this story is that thank God my last doctor and therapist know I have PTSD… I wrote lithium and depokote as allergies cause my Dr. Phil and I had a plan if I went in hospital. They could call him and he would tell them no lithium or depakote! But since he left Pathways (now has a new name) he left to go treat specifically kids at UMC/Banner which is awesome cause I know he’s so good with the kids! It’s scary though seeing another new psychiatrist … are they going to look at all your history and hospital stays and believe the docs who talked to you maybe 5 min a day when you were in your worst state of mind cause you were admitted to a freaking psych hospital! Or would they listen to me and my experiences as a patient for 27 years?! I was pretty confident that it would be okay cause I’m on God’s plan and all I deserve now is to be treated well and with respect! So she listened to me calmly tell her most of my trauma and my family issues and agreed that I can just stay with what was working for about 3 years … bupropion (Wellbutrin) an antidepressant and not a toxic “Mood stabilizer”! I told her I already stopped taking the Seroquel which I was forced to take for 7 nights to get out of the hospital (I refused to take it the first night before at least talking to a doctor). I knew it was a shitty med but since I told her I can’t take lithium or depakote, Seroquel was the only option she gave me! So luckily it helped me sleep while at the hospital but as soon as I got home, I started having bad restless leg syndrome for a couple nights in a row all night and wasn’t able to sleep! And sleep is so important for mental health!! So I stopped taking it! I figure the detox symptoms couldn't have been worse than what I was feeling (and they weren’t) as soon as I stopped taking it about 3 nights after I was discharged , I felt so much better and started sleeping well again! So luckily this psychiatrist was so cool and just listened to what I’ve been through and what I need! She said I seemed to be doing so good that she won’t see me again for 3 months… so in December! Now I just can’t wait to see my therapist again soon!

But it’s a new fucking day.. only 4:04am now but I think I got enough sleep. I went to sleep pretty early and slept good! So I’m waking up now and will work on prepping for my interview with the news in a couple weeks!

Make it a great day everyone! I’m sure most people won’t read this for days or weeks or months but while you’re reading this… make it a great fucking day! I know I will! I’m excited to start my day and go to my AA meeting at 630am and then my job interview at 11am!! Wish me luck!! I’m wearing a cute black skirt below my knees, a super cute red shirt (my Gramps and Dad taught me how to dress for an important panel interview) my first one being for the fire department when I think I was about 23 ish or so! And I will also bring a black nice suit jacket to put on just before I go into the air conditioned building cause it’s Tucson… Sept 12th and hot as balls out still!