Manic

Hi! I am back and ready to get serious about starting my non profit foundation. When I started this website last year I was going through what doctors call “manic episodes”. Personally, I hate that word. It is so stigmatized and when people hear that word, they hear bi-polar and crazy! I am still not 100% accepting the diagnosis bi-polar and my current psychiatrist who is court ordered and only talks to me 15 minutes a month can go F himself! The brain is such a “crazy” thing. I definitely have had episodes that appear to be bi-polar, but there is so much more to my mental illness. My therapist gets me! She knows there is more to my mental illness. I have been through some trauma in my life as a child and an adult and my brain did not know how to process what happened to me. I repressed it for a long time and then I have flashbacks that are confusing. I also- know for sure that I have depression and anxiety. They used to call bi-polar manic depression and even though I hate the word manic, I think I like that better than bi-polar. I was hospitalized for a total of 46 nights last September and October. It was so hard! It was hard on me, hard on my family, and hard on my friends. For those of you who are still with me in real life and on Facebook and especially if you are reading this blog, thank you so much! I have lost a lot of friends over the years due to my illness, lost my ex husband, and now sadly I have lost some family members due to my mental illness. I no longer have a relationship with my brother, his wife, and their kids. You choose your own family they say. I do not need to be close with anyone who does not support me or bring me joy.

For me though, When I am having “manic episodes”, I just like to call it…being in crisis.

I have not been able to sleep well lately. I asked my psychiatrist to help me with something to sleep better a few times nd he refuses. He refuses partly because I am an alcoholic and thinks I will abuse it which is ridiculous. Sleep is so important for mental health. It is important mental illness or not, but for me it is the most important thing. I have just been taking a combination of meds that I have and will discuss with him at my next appt in a few days on Thursday. If he doesn’t want me to go to the dispensary to get some indica and CBD gummies..which he did say is bad for people with “bi-polar”, then he needs to figure something out and prescribe me some meds. I have not gone to the dispensary and do not plan on it but I definitely thought about it. On top of not sleeping well, I have had some triggers lately. More specifically 2 guys who I started dating who did not treat me well. I went to church on Sunday and the service and message was sooooo good and inspiring. I was meant to be there for sure. He said you are not meant to be ordinary, you are meant to be extraordinary!! I cried a lot during the music, because I have had a lot of people in my life die and felt them with me. Honestly I am a little worried about going into crisis again, because one of the signs is feeling my angels more. I have a bag packed for the hospital just in case there is a “next time” of needing to go. It was my Dad’s idea and a great idea. He gave me $150 dollars which was too much but that was generous of him. I bought pants at Goodwill for like $2 each, got some pink slides at Target, a wireless bra, hair ties, a small brush, socks, underwear, T -shirts, sweatshirt, etc. When I was in the hospital last year, my Dad bought me stuff and brought me stuff the first time. The third time I was there for 22 nights and nobody brought me anything. I still am bitter about that but moving on. And in all fairness, I never asked them to bring me anything cause I was not talking to them. I wish I would have just asked for some underwear at least. My Aunt would have brought it if I asked her but oh well. After a day or two, I received a pair of comfy pants that were donated. Then a couple days later I was given a long sleeve black shirt with a big silver owl on it!! That was meant for me. And the the super awesome techs.. Grant being one of them, did my laundry for me every day or every other day while I wore 2 gowns (I wish the had scrub pants and shirts). That is one thing I will change when I have enough money to donate and eventually will buy that whole hospital! That is at least 10 years down the road and is not my focus. My focus is just to make it a better place. But first I want to focus on my Safe Space. They did have a great kitchen staff though and delicious food. They even had Sprite Zero which is my favorite.

This time I think I am in total control. I have coping skills and have been using them. I went swimming today and bowling last night. I have seen signs my whole life and now I am just going to embrace them. I am going to get baptized on 4/17 and give my life over to God and Jesus! I know 100% I am supposed to be alive and well and am going to be so successful with my foundation. I just need to chill and stay humble and take it one day at a time as they say in AA. I have over 2 years sober now..got my 2 years on 3/13/2023…my sobriety date even has 3 3’s in it which is a sign! One of my good friends Joe died in a bombing in Ukraine on my birthday April 23rd a few years ago. His birthday was the same as one of my cousins’ who has now lost her Mom, both her brothers, and her Dad. Also, my step sisters’ late husband took his own life and he had my birthday.. April 23rd. I have a couple of EMS buddies Dave and Brian who took their own lives and I feel them telling me..we couldn’t, but you can! Also my Uncle Scotty took his own life (some of my family think he just died accidentally from drugs), but he is one of my strongest angels. When I was 22 years old and had bought my first house in Corona De Tucson (right before or after my trauma in the mental hospital), I was walking around the neighborhood in the middle of the night and felt everyone who died in 9/11 with me. That happened when I was 20 years old. I felt them walking behind me and beside me with their full support! It was such a wild and cool feeling! When I was about 23 in crisis at my Gram’s house..my cousin Ryan chased me around the house and I jumped out the window (first floor) and I was digging in the ground thinking how evil Ben Laden was. They later found him underground. I am definitely a medium and can feel angels talking to me. I just don’t practice it or embrace it enough. So I realize that I am all over the place with my writing. I just have so much to write. I want to write a book and hopefully I will someday. But in the meantime, I just plan on blogging. My Grams Joyce was always my biggest supporter when it came to my writing. Think she was the one to suggest writing smaller books and not my whole life in one book. I was thinking about doing an anecdotal memoir. We shall see. In the meantime, if you made it to the end of this… I appreciate your support so much. Please comment here or on my Facebook post or just send me a message letting me know! And if you’re my family reading this just to see how crazy I am and are worried I am going to go into crisis .. that sucks but I understand. I need to try to get some sleep now. It is 10:42pm.