Music is Therapy

I freaking love listening to music! Country is my favorite. I think part of my triggers this time that led me to crisis was all the F’d up documentaries I was watching. I did not realize it at the time. I thought they were entertaining, but it def wasn’t good for my mental health. My other triggers included unexpectedly being fired from my 2.5 year law firm job, a bad 3 month relationship with a loser, liar, cheater. Also my Grams died 2 or 3 years ago and then my cousin Ryan died. I know that was awhile ago, but I have been missing my Grams a lot. I know I scared a lot of my friends with my crisis. I am so lucky to have so many good friends though. I am confident I still have a lot of them. It’s so weird that I can feel a crisis coming on for awhile, but there is nothing I can do to fully stop it. I think if I was able to fully process and work through my trauma, this will not happen. I am going to see my therapist on Tuesday and I am confident we can work through it all. It will obviously take some time but I can do it. I have worked with her a few years and she knows how toxic my family can be. My family still thinks I am delusional and everything will go back to normal soon. Not this time!! Cause my Dad and brother know what they did and how F’d up is it that they have told me I am delusional all my life in and out of hospitals because what they had done. I am done staying quiet. I used to just believe I was delusional at times. But when I was 22 I went to the hospital for help with childhood trauma, got diagnosed Bi-polar and SMI and was restrained and raped. That definitely made it impossible to get help for my previous trauma that I was still confused about. It is actually just so Fucked up!

I need to clean and organize my house today but I can’t get in the mood! Ugh!! I will try though to get shit done!