Music is Therapy

I freaking love listening to music! Country is my favorite. I think part of my triggers this time that led me to crisis was all the F’d up documentaries I was watching. I did not realize it at the time. I thought they were entertaining, but it defintely wasn’t good for my mental health. My other triggers included unexpectedly being fired from my 2.5 year law firm job, a bad 3 month relationship with a loser, liar, cheater. Also my Grams died 2 or 3 years ago and then my cousin Ryan died. I know that was awhile ago, but I have been missing my Grams a lot. I know I scared a lot of my friends with my crisis. I am so lucky to have so many good friends though. I am confident I still have a lot of them. It’s so weird that I can feel a crisis coming on for awhile, but there is nothing I can do to fully stop it. I think if I was able to fully process and work through my trauma, this will not happen. I am going to see my therapist on Tuesday and I am confident we can work through it all. It will obviously take some time but I can do it. I have worked with her a few years and she knows how toxic my family can be. My family still thinks I am delusional and everything will go back to normal soon. Not this time!! I am done staying quiet. I used to just believe I was delusional at times. But when I was 22 I went to the hospital for help with childhood trauma, got diagnosed Bi-polar and SMI and was restrained and raped. That definitely made it impossible to get help for my previous trauma that I was still confused about. It is actually just so Fucked up!

I need to clean and organize my house today but I can’t get in the mood! Ugh!! I will try though to get shit done!