My divorce

It has been about 12 years since I have been divorced. It was a really really hard time in my life. I went manic (had flashbacks) twice when I lived on the east coast with my husband. He was so supportive and amazing until he wasn’t. The second time I was hospitalized, he came and had lunch with me every day. I think I was there for about 2 weeks. He just had to pay $5.00 to have a really good lunch with me. I was still manic when I got out of the hospital. They gave me tons of drugs and I think I had to detox off of some of them and got restless leg syndrome. I had a psychiatrist on the outside. Shortly after I got out of the hospital I flew to Chicago for my Dad’s 60th Birthday party! It was such a blast. My Dad got my sister and I a hotel together. My Dad has his own condo there, but there were a lot of people in town for his party and a few others were staying with him. I remember one time we all went to the bar and I walked around the whole bar asking people if they knew anyone who had bi-polar. Almost everyone said they did. I was doing research! lol. One guy was like how did you know I have bi-polar? He was freaked out and not willing to talk about it. My husband was not able to come with me to Chicago but we planned on meeting each other in Tucson for about a 2 week vacation. He couldn’t get off work for Chicago or so he said. He took me to the airport and gave me a kiss and a hug and another kiss. At the time, I had no idea that would be our last kiss. I flew to Tucson after Chicago and was at my Mom’s house for her birthday. My husband and I planned on staying at the house his parents owned. We planned on going to U of A football games, because he loves U of A football and so did I. He called me on the phone and told me he wanted a divorce. Apparently he went behind my back when I was in the hospital and saw a divorce lawyer. I was in shock and so upset! I was crying and screaming after we hung up the phone. My Mom was just pissed that we couldn’t go to Olive Garden for her birthday. She was laying on her bed all stressed out. It was getting late and we ended up going to a restaurant closer to her house. She told me she was glad I was getting a divorce, because it would be too hard for her to have grand babies so far away in New York. I switched from Lithium to Lamictal, because my husband and I were planning on starting a family. He told me he thought I needed to be with my family and that is why he wanted a divorce. He wasn’t wrong. I did miss my family very much especially my 2 little nephews! My husband was doing the right thing and I am sure it was so hard for him, because he loved me very much and was in love with me. To be honest, I don’t know if I was even ever in love with him. I did love him very much and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Looking back though, I wouldn’t have been happy. I would have loved to have kids and be a stay at home Mom. I would have found other stuff to do. Maybe I would have started my foundation in New York. It just wasn’t meant to be. I am so glad he made the decision to divorce me. It was so hard at the time though. I had given up everything for him. I did not have my EMT certification anymore. I was working temp medical office jobs in New York and loved it. I came to Tucson with a big suitcase and that was it. I ended up staying with my amazing Grams for about 2 months while the renters finished their lease at my house. I loved staying with my Grams. She took care of me. My husband decided what I got from our home together and had his parents drive it to Tucson in November or December (about 3 months later). Luckily when I moved back into my house I got a hand me down king bed from my Aunt, a leather couch that was my Uncle Scotty’s and a TV from I don’t remember where. My Dad had bought my husband and I a big TV for Christmas one year and he of course kept that. His parents bought us an amazing king bed and he of course kept that. I wasn’t willing to sign the divorce papers yet, because he was barely going to give me anything. He still barely gave me anything. I should have negotiated for so much more, but I wasn’t in my right mind. I needed to stay on my psych medications and have health insurance so I asked him to pay $500 to cobra for 6 months. I think I only got about $500-800 a month on top of that which is nothing. I had to end up foreclosing on my house. I was luckily able to still stay there about a year without paying and Bank of America gave me $5,000 cash for keys to get out. Thank God for my Dad and Step Mom who bought my Uncle Scotty’s rental house for me from my Aunt and other Uncles. As much as I loved staying with my Grams, I needed my independence. I had my own house since I was 22 years old. I needed my own place and there is no way I could afford my own house or apartment. I ended up getting medical office jobs with a temp agency and got back on my feet. I think I already mentioned this but soon after my divorce I was so angry and sad that I wanted to take my own life. I took some pills but stopped myself and called for help. I lost my marrriage because of my mental illness, but it was the best thing that could have happened to me. My ex-husband found someone maybe 10 months later and got married and had 3 boys. I started dating before the divorce was even final, but still haven’t found someone that I love or was in love with. I can’t wait to meet my person. I know God already picked him for me. He is my dream man. He is dreaming about a woman like me and I am dreaming about a man like him. He will be amazing! He will be successful, handsome, kind, funny, adventurous. He will be a dog person and want to do lots of fun things and traveling. I am hoping to meet him in 6 months or a year. I need to still focus on my mental and physical health and work the 12 steps of AA. He is not available yet either. Maybe he hasn’t moved to Tucson yet. I am hoping if he was married, he’s already divorced. I am hoping he doesn’t have young children, because I want to be his number 1 person. Maybe he has older kids and maybe grandkids but maybe he just never had kids. I could see him and I adopting a child or two in a few years. Maybe we will adopt older children who need a good home. Who knows what God has in store for us! We are definitely going to get a dog if he doesn’t have one already. I have been wearing my Grams Shirley’s gold and diamond ring on my left ring finger, because I am not available to date anytime soon. Today I found a beautiful fake diamond engagement ring that I bought on Amazon last year for like $20 bucks so I am now wearing that on my left ring finger and have my Gram’s ring on my right ring finger. Well I have my bestie coming over soon to do diamond art and hang out and chat. She is bringing pizza! Today is my cheat day from my diet. I will get back on it tomorrow. I am going to Laff’s Comedy Club with some friends tonight at 9:30pm. I have a busy day tomorrow! I am going to the awesome 8:30am AA meetings at the JCC and then church at Pantano Christian at 10:30am. Supposed to meet a friend after that who bought a Stefanie’s Safe Space shirt from me for the NAMI walk. I am hoping to go to my cousin’s house tomorrow evening but if not tomorrow, hopefully I can see her for dinner sometime next week! Hope everyone is having a great weekend and have an awesome night and Sunday! Thank you for the continued support!! Please share with friends! Thank You!