They just care

Ugh!! I woke up and saw a text from my Dad. He is concerned about me, because I am having signs of going into crisis. I did tell my Aunt Val that the signs are there, and I was a tiny bit concerned. I asked her not to tell anyone else in my family, because I did not want everyone freaking out. I did end up telling my Mom and my sister last night that I was blogging again. I told them I feel my angels with me strong, and I am sad for them that they don’t have my faith. Nobody in my family understands my spiritual side except my Aunt Val. My cousins may kind of understand it though too. Part of me just wants to say..fuck everyone for doubting me and thinking I can’t be successful without going into crisis. They all think when I talk about my blog and having my own foundation that I am having grandeous manic thinking. I know they just care about me and want me to be stable and stay out of the hospital. But having a dream as big as mine does not mean I am psycho or having grandeous thinking. My therapist understands my dream, but unfortunately my family does not. My Mom did seem to be supportive right before I went into the hospital last October.. She was helping me come up with ideas for my logo which included my owl. She legit seemed excited for me and for our family, partly because I told her I would buy her our amazing 2 brick childhood home. Now, I think if I could ever buy that house I would turn it into a super nice half way house. But anyway, when I was in the hospital last October, she talked to the judge and said I was saying crazy things like I am going to have a million dollars. She and my brother testified against me to get me into court ordered treatment. In all fairness for my brother, I did go to his house and broke a few huge planting pots on his porch like a crazy person. But I was taking my meds and seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist. I was not going to stop my treatment, but they always feel better when I am court ordered cause they don’t trust ..I would say me, but I think they just don’t trust my mental illness which is understandable. My mental illness takes over my control sometimes. I know my family loves and cares about me, but I am not going to let anyone stop me from writing my true story, feelings now, feelings and actions when I was in crisis, and the way my family treated me and how they reacted to everything. It is all part of my story and mental illness and life journey. Yes, I have said some harsh things about my family members and to them, but I honestly can’t control my thoughts and words at times. I am in such a good place in life right now though and don’t anticipate going manic and into crisis ever again! I know what I need to do to stay healthy and out of the hospital. I am eating well, working out, making sure to sleep even if that means taking sleeping meds, I’m taking my mood stabilizers and psych injections, I am going to AA, and leaning on support from friends and family. I have a really good relationship with my sister Vanessa and my brother and I also have a good relationship. My Dad and Mom are there for me. I have good relationships with both of them. I have a bag packed for the hospital just in case with 3 pairs of pants, 3 shirts, slides, eyeglasses, socks, and hair ties. But I am just praying to God every day that I will be okay and can get through this. I am not depressed. I am the complete opposite of depressed. But I am getting teary eyed again as I write this cause I just want to be okay. I am trying to just block out my past trauma and move on, but lately I have been thinking about how horrible my hospital stays were and how scary it was to be in crisis. I miss my Grams, my Aunt Kiki, my cousins Adam and Ryan who I thought about last night. But I know all my angels are with me and telling me I’m a bad ass and am already super successful in life. I went through a lot, because God knew I could handle it and God knows I have a purpose in life. My purpose is to share my story with as many people as possible and help others to know there is help and they are not alone. I am doing so good though. This is for real my time to shine! This for real is my time to kick some ass! Today is 9/11 and I am feeling all the spirits from that day. I felt them all once when I was walking in the middle of the night at my first house when I was 22 in Corona De Tucson. It was the most bad ass feeling. I felt them walking beside me and behind me supporting me and protecting me. I think that was right before I had to go to the hospital and experienced one of my most traumatic events in my life. 9/11 happened when I was 20, and I can’t get over how awful and tragic that event was that day! Today is 9/11 and it is one year since I started my own LLC. That really doesn’t mean much to me though because I want it to be a non profit instead. Think the website and blog were created a little over a year now. I just was going full force last year and was so excited and determined to start my own foundation. I ended up going manic and I don’t know if going manic triggers my PTSD or my PTSD triggers my mania. But either was it wasn’t good. Ended up in the behavioral health hospital for a total of 46 mights. I am doing so good though now. I am picking up extra days at work this month and am currently typing this at work. I feel like this blog may be kind of all over the place but that is my mind. The writing is just flowing and I have so much to write about. Hope everyone has a good day as you are reading this. Thank you for the support. My family just cares and I am blessed to have so many family and friends who care!