This is so fucking hard!!

Omg I am having a full on panic attack. I seriously do not know what to do anymore. Today was so up and down. It is moment to moment. I am just trying to breathe. I ran into an amazing friend at AA and as soon as I saw her I felt so amazing as she pulled up in her car. Her energy and spirit makes me so happy. But I broke down and cried so hard! I can only control me. I cannot control everyone including the authorities and my family. I do not think enough people are seeing these blogs fast enough though. I am going to hopefully chill the fuck out right now. I took 2 visterols of my friends and a Benadryl. I forgot that I can take Benadryl when I do not have Ativan. The dispensary said it was open till 10pm, but God just let me know I needed a drive. The dispensary was closed and Dollar Tree was closed. I wanted to get cotton balls so I can put saline in my dogs’ ears and also I need dental floss picks but I want to get stuff that makes me happy like arts and crafts stuff for my niece. I don’t want to put this on my almost 16 year old nephew Mikey, but I really wish he would call DCS on his ex step father. Maybe one of his friends’ parents can help him. Wish he had school but that is not until 10/14. I can just talk to him more about it when he is 18 if he wants. I hope to see them at church but there is no way my sister will let me bring them. I am going to just go get my Mercedes after my AA meeting, dress really nice and drive to the KGUN 9 News Station! This story needs to go National fast!! I at first just wanted my foundation to go National, but as I am processing my childhoood trauma, I need my nieces to be safe! I still cannot believe my cousin Ashleigh isn’t doing anything to help!! It blows my mind. Or maybe she is but if she was, she should call me and tell me. She has my new number. My sister still doesn’t realize she will be losing custody of her daughter cause she is neglecting those kids so much and she will go to prison. That will be up to a criminal lawyer and a judge. I am sorry to my nephews it enough is enough!! It ends with us!! And it will start with us! I will take care of my nephews and do anything they need me to! The boys have their Dad that my sister never even told them that he was into drugs (pain meds from a surgery) and that is why they divorced. That was how my cousin Adam died. Thank God their Dad is not doing drugs anymore ..supposedly, but him and my sister drink a lot together and that is a drug! That was my drug of choice and it almost killed me. The important thing now is the girls who are too little to be able to protect themselves. I am so angry at the whole situation. I have tried many times but once about 5 years ago before my 5 year old niece was born, I tried to tell the cops that my bro raped me and is raping his daughter, but my bro put a restraining order against me. Same thing with my piece of shit ex brother in law 3 years ago!! I am going to the News with my story. I already emailed them part of it. I will go to CNN and or wherever the hell I need to go! I will fly to NYC to go on whatever show I need to go on!! This has to stop now!! It’s too fucking hard for this to all be on me. I thought I was protecting Edward from me, but just his voice and the way he talks in the meetings calms me down. I know he can’t talk on the phone late at night cause where he lives, but I do wish he would call me or at least hug me and talk to me tomorrow! I have so many good AA sober sisters and friends but I do want to start to develop a deeper friendship with Edward and I hope he is open to that cause I know he reads my blogs!! My cousin Ashleigh just called me and got me worked up again. I had to yell at her. I am blocking her number! I never should have trusted her! She found out on her wedding night how abusive Branden Stoliker is!! Still is! Men like that don’t fucking change!!! I can change my number as many times as I need to cause I do not deserve all this emotional abuse and I sure as hell did not deserve the disgusting sexual trauma and physical abuse. My brother used to hold me down with pillows and hit me all over my body. I used to think it was just kid stuff cause I was the middle child egging him on, but he hurt me a lot. My Mom slapped me in the face a couple of times and hit my bro on the back really hard when she saw that he hit me. My bro hit me so hard one time in the pool that he knocked the wind out of me and I was so scared. I ran upstairs to my Mom who was sleeping after her RN night shift and she did not really give a shit! My Dad and Brother are the most disgusting people I have ever met! And they were my protectors!! What the actual Fuck! They fucked with my head so much! It’s like a God damn Lifetime movie and I am stuck in the worst rape documentary! I already have a psychiatrist ready for my niece. I had NP Dr. Phil who was amazing and he left to go work with kids at Banner!! He is amazing but actually she will need a woman doctor and therapist for sure!!! And Lexie is such a dumb bitch and is used to being abused and manipulated I guess cause her last relationship but she is the Mom and needs to protect her daughter Mollie named after a drug (Harry Potter) Give me a break with all these Harry Potter obsessions. It’s not magic …it’s fucked up!! Lily is my great grams and she was a badass Madem in Wisconsin but my cousin named her baby after a Harry Potter character! I was going to call 988 but I don’t feel like it. I will just keep writing!! And KGUN 9 News tomorrow for sure!!