Unbreakable

Damn, tonight did not go as planned yet again! I have basically been in crisis for at least 5 weeks. The abuse of my sister by my ex brother in law triggered my sexual abuse when my niece was only 2 years old. I knew my abuse started when I was about 2. Maybe 2 and a half, because that is when you can remember but young enough for God and my brain to repress it for a long time. My first breakdown was when I was 16 though and I had no clue what was happening. I basicclay survived my family and am unbreakable! I literally just tried to break my old phone by throwing it on the tile. It did not break. I threw my phone at my sisters’ house 3 years ago on the sidewalk and it did not break. My ex brother in law somehow broke my phone a few years ago.. it was before my 5 year old neice was born, because my sister and him had a toxic relationship off and on and she only married him to have a baby girl. My Mom only married my Dad to have a baby because she was jeazlous of my Aunt Kiki who had a boy first. Ryan is now one of my strongest angels. He went through so much trauma and did so many drugs that his body gave out when he was only 44. My other cousin Adam who was born before me and after my big bro who I love and respect…died at age 33 after a shitty pain doctor kept giving him …my words autocorrected to Gigi because my Grams Joyce is with me so hard right now and to the her great grand children, she was Gigi. Adam willingly kept taking more pain medications but addiction is real and doctors are definitely to blame. My cousin Adam just did not wake up one morning. I am so glad I did not have to see him, but my cousin Ryan found him. I am getting off topic again cause my brain is going really fast after the night I had. I will title another blog about my phone and nobody answering the damn phone when I am in crisis. I just took a relaxing shower and got down on my knees in defeat! I cannot save my neice but I can save myself! I called 988 who transferred me to a sexual assault specialist hotline who still never called me back, but I do not need to talk to anyone right now. My dog is snoring right outside the door to my messy office and I am facing the door! I called and talked with my cousin who is head of a behavioral health hospital (her goal is to be CEO - She is the clinical manager now). I know she obviously has her 0own trauma and lost her brothers and her Mom btw when she was about 25. I was 26 and Aunt Kiki is one of my strongest angels. My cousin assured me that everyone is safe and I yelled and her and said I do not want her to have my new number. My other cousin who is amazing and is an amazing Mother has not reached out to me once in the last few weeks, because she is “so busy”. She is also a mandated reporter of abuse as an RN. My whole family are mandatory reporters of abuse and none of them wanted to protect my sister and none of them want to protect my neice. It seriously blows my mind. I have had to live with childhoood trauma my whole life and being raped in the hospital at 22 years old when restrained and have had to keep it inside for 43 years because nobiody ever believed me! My family never believed me and my doctors and/or “temporary doctors” in the psych hospital..like most recently ..Dr. Lithium and Dr. RBF… think they can diagnose my whole life in 3 minutes with one word.. Bi-polar! F them! I recently had an amazing psychiatrist .. NP aka Dr. Phil and he believed me for 4 years or so and we had a plan and I was on Wellbutrin and felt amazing! Also getting sober was the best thing I have ever done for my mental health. My family believed the doctors and the only one who had some faith in me at one point not on anti psychotics was my brother, but he also put a restraining order against me once as did my deuce bag abusive ex brother in law. But my big bro and I had a good talon and I understand why he had to do that! Partly probably cause his wife is awful and has no empathy for a fellow “PTSD Survivor” Well she is a victim and I am a survivor! She labeled me bi polar before she even met me because I think her previous husband has PTSD from the military and was labeled bi polar, but not sure. I let my brother know that obviously mental illness can be very unpredictable as we have seen with all the school shootings and suicides and drug overdoses, etc! Alright I am going to end this one by saying I am not broken! I definitely was broken and felt so unworthy of love and hated myself and blamed myself for a lot.. I take credit for ruining my body several times. I did that! But rape is real and it happens all the time and women are not heard. Can you imagine having your Dad be your protector all your life, ,but he was really your abuser and the reason why you are so F’ed up in the head and in and out of the mental hospitals! Well my Mother didn’t help either. She is awful! She answered my phone call cause she is all about the drama and doesn’t deserve to be around any kids. She was raped by my Dad too and I am sure probably a lot of other women were too. But my Mom chose to be a hateful bitter awful person. She was greedy as Fuck before she married my Dad. Basically my bro, sis, and I are all products of pure evil and are all F’ed up in our own ways! But we are also very strong bad ass people!! I love my brother and sister so much! They have no idea! I would have done anything for them. My biggest fear is to see my sister hurt and my nieces and nephews. But I went through it and had to hear about her abuse months after it happened and there was not a damn thing I could have done about it unless I actually shot him in the head and went to prison. And for the record, even though she testified against me saying I threatened to kill him, I actually just told him to kill himself ot go to jail. He will still get his karma soon but tonight I actually finally got to talk to a sergeant with TPD, a shitty lady from DCS, 911 who was better tonight then before but it was still super stressful and frustrating. But there is not a damn thing any of the authorities will do about anything. DCS said they cannot open another case since I opened one 3 years ago. That makes ZERO sense. And TPD said nothing they can do. Sergeant Buchanan should be ashamed of “herself”. I was told she is a a woman in the kids sex crime department and she closed the case basically right after one was opened by a nice young officer Bates. I had to drive 80 MPH with my Dad’s old best friends Roger Tamietti and Don Wood to fire station 9 to make someone listen to me! I told them it’s not about me, but I know what it is like to be raped by my Dad in uniform and know how he manipulated me and lied and made me trust him. So this is what I wanted to them to know about my niece. I pray to God she hasn’t been touched but I can almost guarantee she has been and will continue to be if nobody helps her!! Branden Stoliker is the one that said I tried to tell everyone he “raped” his daughter. All I said is molested which is still so awful! But if he wasn’t before, he probably is now and it is fucking breaking my heart! She needs to be safe and get therapy ASAP!! Or she will end up like me.. with severe trauma she will not know how to handle. When she goes to my sister’s house, my sis says she is obsessed with her and that is because she needs a sober Mother whom will protect her from her abusive Dad!! I also went and yelled at the guys at station 12 when I knew my bro was on shift. I didn’t yell at them but I was passionate and loud and scared and stressed when I showed them the new phone I bought cause I wanted to show my bro since he manages the fire family phone line that my Dad pays. I also told them that my Dad raped me and I was also raped in the hospital when I was restrained at age 22. But my bro left his shift to take his needy wife to the hospital cause she hurt her ‘thumb’ is what the FF’s said but he said she may have broken her wrist. So a fire captain leaves his whole shift for that?! Seriously! I broke my face there basically when I was about 12. Ran right into the wall with my face cause I was going so fast and chipped my front teeth! I was with a babysitter and my Mom was just so upset cause I broke my precious teeth that they spent so much money for on braces. Okay I am so babbling. I have so much to say. Maybe I will start another blog or maybe I will jut relax in bed before hopefully sleeping so well and then 630am AA meeting tomorrow morning! I am so obsessed with my new Air Pad whatever it is called.

Good night everyone! Can’t stress self care enough!!