Into The Ocean

So I am up in the middle of the night and not able to sleep. I know I need to sleep but after trivia I took a hot shower and sleep meds that I thought for sure would work. I have been on a Christian radio kick and it has really been helping. But after I washed my face and brushed my teeth and got in bed with the lights out I started having some trauma flashbacks. It is so clear to me now what happened to me when I was a child. I need to process still and talk with my psychiatrist tomorrow but more importantly my therapist next week. I was seeing her every week and then felt good last week so we changed to every other week. When I felt the symptoms of crisis, I called the office on Monday to try to schedule this week but she was booked. I asked them to transfer me and I left her a message. She did have someone call to check on me at 8pm tonight and at that point I felt good. But it’s okay. I am okay. I did text my sister my feelings cause I knew she was awake at work. I have 5 days off in a row so I know I will get enough sleep at some point. Hopefully I can nap during the day. The night and the dark is harder for me, because that is when my trauma happened.

I titled this blog Into The Ocean, because a few years ago soon after my Gramps died…Tucson Fire Chief Fritz Rhyner, I had a complete crisis and breakdown. In the middle of the night at about 12am I decided I impulsively needed to drive to San Diego because that is my happy place. I love the beach and the ocean. It is so peaceful and relaxing to me. I did not even pack a bag. I stopped to get some bottled water and a cold coffee drink I think. I felt my Gramps so strong with me. My family does not get my spiritual side. My sister says she is spiritual and believes in angels, but she doesn’t feel it like I do and does not believe in God which is okay! I know my Mom and Dad are complete atheists. I think my Mom may have a little more faith in angels after my Grams died but my Dad does not believe in that at all. I was driving very fast..didn’t even stop for gas in Yuma like I usually do. It is so crazy that I was able to get there without stopping, but I knew I had to get there for the sunrise. My Dad called me and scared the crap out of me. It came through on my Bluetooth and he just said..Stefanie..what are you doing?? My roommate at the time called my family and told them. My feelings at the time and I have had this vision before…I just wanted God to save me..I wanted to meet my future husband who I know is former military ..living in a different state and is amazing. I have had the vision that his name is Bradley Michael Miller (this is since right after my divorce). But in that moment I thought he was already with me in spirit and when I went to the beach, God was going to come back and I was going to be able to meet my husband and hug him and all my other angels. So when I got to the beach as the sun was rising, I walked down the wooden steps to the beach. For those of you who do not know, I live in Tucson. I had some cute blue and white striped pants on and I threw my eyeglasses and just walked into the ocean begging God to save me. I wanted him to save me from my trauma (which he already did) and I just wanted to be happy and at peace. I was not thinking about taking my own life at that time, but my family was obviously worried. I called my sister on the phone and told her “ I am going to throw my phone!” She said, “no, don’t do that!” At this point I was only in the ocean up to my knees. I lifted my arm up and back and threw my phone into the ocean as far as I could. It was the most amazing feeling, because to me it just represented the fact that nobody ever answers their phone anymore. I tried to call my family a lot of times, and a lot of times they did not answer.

After I threw my phone, it was obviously not a happy ending. The cops showed up and handcuffed me! I later found out that my Dad called and asked them to go help me. As I walked up the wooden stairs with my arms handcuffed behind my back, I was stepping on my pants causing them to rip. When I got to the top of the stairs and at the cop car, I had tears, snot, and hair all over my face. I asked the cop if he could at least get the hair out of my face and I think he did. In the cop car on the way to the hospital I had thoughts of my Mom being so evil and the devil (delusions I have frequently had during my crisis). I got to the hospital and had to beg them to give me meds to sleep. I was screaming and crying just wanting the rest of my family. I ended up finally getting meds to sleep. I could not tell you how long it took but seemed like forever. I ended up in the San Diego County Behavioral Health Hospital which actually ended up being one of the best hospital stays I have had. Think I was only there about a week. There was a cool outdoor area with a basketball court and we did arts and crafts. I remember meeting a super cool big black homeless guy who I gave some of my food to when I could not eat it all. Wish I remembered his name. But anyway, my Dad flew to pick me up which was amazing. He asked the doctor if I could have a beer and the doc said yes. So we went and had lunch at Draft right on Mission Beach and had a good lunch and a beer and a good talk. He drove me home in my car.

So that was just one of many of my “manic episodes” as the docs call it, but it was really my trauma flashbacks and grieving of my Grandfather and all the other people I had lost in my life. I do need to get some sleep as it is now 1:09 am. I have a handyman coming at 8am to install my barnyard door on my bathroom. I am not sure if I will be able to sleep though. I may just be up and then go to the gym at 5am or write again or do whatever I need to for my mental health. I just want it to be morning.

Again, thanks for the support! Love you all!