Not Alone!

It is Saturday night and I am bored. I was doing my diamond art…an amazing owl, but figured I would write. Not sure exactly what to write, but I will start with saying I saw a 444 and 33 on my way home from AA tonight. Those are angel numbers…look them up! My angels are with me so strong! At AA people were talking about spiritual experiences and escaping death. I know personally I wanted to take my life so many times! What an absolute shitty feeling. Looking back now I am just glad I got through it again. I feel so bad and guilty that I even had those feelings. I finally have a good psychiatrist and am happy to be alive. Whenever I was suicidal I would think how shitty that would be to do that to my family..more specifically ..my nephews. They are 13 and 16 now. I did an April Fools joke on my oldest nephew a few years ago . I told him I was moving back to NY and he started sobbing. I felt awful. He loves me so much and I love him so much. I am getting teary eyed as I write this, because I just imagine how sad he would be if I died. I think about how much he and the rest of my family would not understand that I took my own life. Mental illness can be brutal. I felt so hopeless in my dark days. I was depressed about not being more financially successful. I was depressed about being so over weight. I was just depressed and wanted to die. For those of you who have felt that understand how much it is out of your control and how horrible of a feeling it can be. But I am glad we are still alive! I have a purpose in life and so do you! Even if I don’t become super successful with my own foundation, I live to tell my story. I want to volunteer with NAMI more and try to make a difference and help others. Even though I am not as successful as I want to be, I am grateful for so much. I have family and friends who love me and who I love. I have a beautiful home. I have a car. I have a good part time job. I have beautiful long hair and dark blue eyes! lol.. I am trying to turn my focus to my physical health. I really want to lose weight and be healthy. I Have 2 and a half years sober which I think is amazing and that is the best decision I have made for my mental health. But after the last time I was hospitalized in May, I have gained more weight. I am at my all time heaviest weight ever. I was planning on going to the grocery store on my way home from AA, but it got really windy and I was wearing a dress above my knees and just wanted to go home. I got a beach club from Jimmy John’s on my way home. I have my grocery list though and plan on going for sure in the morning. Today I got 2 workouts in. I did a leg and core workout at home and then went down to the community pool with a friend and my neighbors and treaded water/swam for 2 hours! I got this! I have to do this! I have to get back in shape. I currently weigh 316! That is so bad! My first goal is to get back under 300! I will be happy and relieved once I do that. Then I will just keep pushing through to get to my goal weight of about 160-180lbs! My friend last night said something like you can’t change without changing. Alright, I am going to go back to my diamond art! If you’re depressed and having dark days, please know it is just temporary and it will get better! Peace and Love my friends!!